Couples fall in love. And if they love each other enough… and if the psychological timing is right for both, they will stay. Maybe even make a commitment to make a future together.
Aah! The magic!
Regardless of who you are, or your partner is, life together will inevitably create a predictable routine. With a rhythm in place, safety and comfort are born.
Eventually however, people fall into two traps (at least):
- We filter our communication to avoid discomfort, and
- We lose the exquisite feelings of the initial sense of love and wonder.
The Avoidance of Discomfort
I have a theory that part of the magic of beginner’s love is the result of endorphins, those magical brain-drugs that, in part, provide a block to our pain – In this case, to our emotional and historical pain. With these lovely Blocks in place, we feel invincible! We become compassionate listeners, creative lovers, and have little or no anxiety about the usual worries – like fear of rejection. We are – truly – the Best We Can Be.
But eventually our brain goes back to normal. We become sensitive to our old, unresolved wounds, and begin defending ourselves in the ways we did before. Most of us become extra aware of our partner’s responses to us, and subconsciously, build old familiar walls of self-protection.
Losing The Sense of Wonder and Vitality in Your Relationship
When we develop routines, the ability to see things as they are in the moment is sacrificed. In relationships, this can be deadly. Routines offer predictability, but when it comes to real people, we lose so much of who the other is when we mistakenly think We Know!
If you don’t believe me, answer the following questions.
- Have I changed, or evolved, in any way, during the last year? Consider your opinions: views about the world, the universe; your neighbors, friends, colleagues, family members. Consider your desires. Your fears. Your dreams. Of course you have!
- How has your partner evolved during the last year regarding the same considerations?
When you become aware of what factors might be attributing to the loss of satisfaction in your relationship, you can look for solutions.
Ideas To Get The Spark Back
When you and your partner first got together, you had no problem listening and talking for hours.
- Invite your partner to talk about his/herself for 1/2 hour. Then switch.
When you were first together, you thought about your partner all the time.
2. Make a list of “gifts” for your partner, and give one each day. Gifts can be acts of caring (cup of jo, massage, love notes, spontaneous “love” texts, gifts of food or drink, holding hands), dates (tickets to an event or to go to dinner), and favors (cleaning, gardening, sexual adventurousness).
Ideas To Open Communication Again
I cannot emphasize enough – Being honest and open is the only way to grow and evolve in your relationship. If you feel a lack of spontaneity in your relationship, it’s probably because you have created defenses (walls), supposedly for protection. Most of our defenses were created unconsciously, much earlier in life. They have become automatic and largely un-articulated.
Become aware of how your mind works by writing your description of recent uncomfortable events with your partner. Write freely and quickly. Now set it aside for a while. Go back and read it when you can be objective, and notice any underlying beliefs in your story.
Next, ask yourself if you can recall feeling anything similar in your past (the younger, the more fruitful the realization).
2. Talk To Your Partner About Your Insights
Finally, consider sharing your insight with your partner to open up communication. Try to use “I” statements so your partner feels less defensive.
“The other day … when you didn’t call me on my birthday… I was amazed at how sad I felt! My mind went to places like ‘s/he doesn’t care about me… and ‘what do I need to do to be cherished?’ . Then I remembered that my reaction was from and old wound. You see, when I was little….”
By sharing your process, you take responsibility for keeping the story alive. You acknowledge YOU, and in doing so, you become aware of what you want to be different. You empower yourself by accepting yourself!
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