“It’s Not What You Say. It’s How You Say It.”

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Certain negative communication styles are so lethal to a relationship that Dr. John Gottman calls them the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. They predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behaviors aren’t changed.

The Four Ways to Destroy Any Relationship – according to Gottman

⚡️criticism –

” You could have done it better. ” When ever we forget that the other person probably has a reason (that is valid by the way), for their behavior, we potentially damage our relationships instantly.

⚡️contempt-

Using body language that will be interpreted as superiority, dismissal, or a lack of respect.

⚡️defensiveness-

When we respond to another with: “Yah?… but you…” I like to help my clients practice taking turns when it gets this ugly. For example, “I want to hear you, but can you hear what I’m saying first?” (Since I brought up an issue?)

⚡️stonewalling-

When we delay a positive response to a request.

When you forget what matters

Marriages struggle for lots of reasons, but complacency can be especially poisonous. When you take your spouse for granted you’re taking a big risk. Our desire to matter to another is powerful. There is no better feeling than when you make yourself vulnerable to a loved one and they handle you with care.

Thereverse is also true. When you go out on a limb to show love and your spouse takes that love for granted – that hurts. This kind of hurt can lead to a breakup.

Body language as well as the tone of your voice are important. (NOTE: That’s why it’s a bad idea to have important conversations via text messages or email) Imagine your partner asking, “when will you be home?” with a smile and a lilt in his/her voice. Now imagine the same question asked with a scowl and a sigh. Sometimes the words you say have little to do with the message you’re sending. * Hence, avoid texting if you want to have clear communication.

If you want to save your marriage from the “4 Horseman of the Apocalypse”, then you need to pay attention to how you respond to your partner, and how you let them know what your needs and desires are.

Remedies to negativity

1. “It means a lot to me”

People want to live meaningful lives. We want to make a difference at our job, in our community, at our church, in our families, and to our friends. We want to matter. That’s why you feel awesome when your friend or partner says to you, “It means a lot to me when you …” The clarity is magnetic.

Learn to ask for what you want. Otherwise you may be unconsciously expecting magic from the other, i.e., “read my mind if you really care…” Such myths are guaranteed to hurt your relationship.

2. Learn to Speak Responsibly

You can banish your criticism by talking about your feelings using “I-statements” and expressing positive needs. I-statements are best explained in contrast to “you-statements”. Observe: “You are never home on time”. This is a ‘you’- statement, and feels like an attack. Typically, when we feel attacked, our defense-mechanisms kick in big time! True, it might be an exasperation we are stating, but communication experts will tell you – this statement has little hope for a good outcome.

Why? Because “you” statements assume expertise about the other. And here is a key: The only person you can be an expert on is yourself, which is a full time job for all of us! Using “I” statements is more honest, and doesn’t feel so much like an attack. “I feel overwhelmed when you aren’t home on time because I look forward to your help with the kids.” This is an I-statement. It communicates the same thing that the you-statement attempts to accomplish, but in a way that is more likely to be accepted and acted upon.

Variations of “it means a lot to me” are perfect follow-ups to I-statements. For example, you could express your desire for your spouse to be home on time in the form of a request like this: “It would mean a lot to me if you were home in time to help with the kids so I can make dinner.” It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Imagine your spouse asking, “when will you be home?” with a smile and a lilt in his voice. Now imagine the same question asked with a scowl and a sigh.

Sometimes the words you say have little to do with the message you’re sending. It’s important to keep in mind when you are trying to use “it means a lot to me“, the words are useless if they aren’t said correctly. In other words, if I’m also angry when I say it, that will be what the other picks up.

Nobody’s perfect. Practice makes progress!

If you want to save your marriage from complacency, negativity, and monotony then you need to practice.

*Practice showing gratitude:

“It meant a lot to me when you listened to me talk about my frustrating day.” *Practice taking responsibility:

“I can see that what I said made you upset. You mean so much to me. It wasn’t my intention. I’m so sorry.” *Practice assertiveness: “It would mean a lot to me if you would take out the trash.”

The more you practice, the more progress you’ll make.

Brain Myths –

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Worth reading from off the web!

The Mind…

While researchers are still uncovering the secrets of how the brain works, they have discovered plenty of information about what goes on inside your head. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of brain myths out there.

The following are just a few of the many

myths about the brain :

Myth 1 – We only use 10% of our brains. PET and MRI scans show that much more than 10% of the brain is used during even simple tasks.

Myth 2 – The brain declines as we get older. Though some cognitive functions do decline as we get older, plenty of our mental skills actually improve with age. Vocabulary, linguistic comprehension, conflict resolution and emotional regulation are just a few areas in which older brains can perform better than their younger counterparts.

Myth 3 – Brian damage is always permanent. The myth that we are born with a finite number of brain cells has perpetuated the idea that brain damage is permanent. But, we now know that the brain can develop new connections to substitute for ones which are broken and “reroute” functions through healthy areas.

Myth 4 – The brain is hard-wired. One of the most enduring myths about the brain is that specific areas were responsible for specific functions. In fact, the brain is remarkably flexible. A good example of this is that the brain of a blind person can “rewire” part of their brain responsible for sight to improve their hearing.


Myth 5 – Left-brained people are organised, right brained people are creative. Though there are parts of the brain that are generally reserved for specific functions, both sides of the brain are used together. The claims that we rely on one side of our brain, or that a left/right orientation signifies creativity or organisation, have been disproved.

Myth 6 – Your memory is an exact account of what you see and experience. Though some people have better memory that others, nobody’s memory is perfect. In fact, when we remember a memory we’re often recalling the last time that we remembered it (rather than the original memory), meaning that the memory is altered slightly with every successive time that it is recalled.

Myth 7 – Listening to classical music will make a baby smarter. Though it’s tempting to believe in a “Mozart Effect”, there is no evidence to support the idea that playing classical music to a bay can make them smarter.

Myth 8 -Brain games improve your memory and reasoning skills. The BBC commissioned a study to investigate this theory by asking over 8600 people ahead 18-60 to play online brain games designed to improve memory and reasoning for ten minutes a day, three times a week. The study showed that after six weeks the test subjects didn’t do any better on memory/reasoning tests than comparable subjects.

Myth 9 – Your IQ stays the same throughout your life. IQ is by no means a perfect test of intelligence, but it has been long thought that our IQs stay the same throughout our lives. This idea has since been debunked by testing students as they grow older, with 9% of students tested showing changes of 15 points or more after four years.

Myth 10 – Your brain works better under pressure. Though the pressure of a decline can motivate is to work harder, it doesn’t result in better brain performance, and is actually much more likely to impair function.

Reference – https://empress2inspire.blog/2021/03/20/top-myths-about-the-human-brain-part-1/

Reference : https://www.sciencealert.com/images/BrainMyths.jpg