Five Ways to Protect Your Emotional Health Post-COVID

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You don’t need to pick up exactly where you left off. Use these tips to reflect on how you want your life to look.

BY BETHANY TEACHMAN | JULY 15, 2021

You’ve been waiting…and waiting…and waiting for this amazing, magical day when you could return to “normal life.”

For many people in the U.S., it feels like that dim light at the end of the pandemic tunnel is becoming brighter. My 12- and 14-year-old daughters now have their first shot, with the second one soon to follow. I was euphoric when the kids received their vaccinations, choking up under my mask at the relief that my family was now unlikely to get sick or pass the coronavirus on to others more vulnerable than we are. Finally our family could start returning to so-called normal life.

But what should those of us fortunate enough to be vaccinated return to? I didn’t exactly feel euphoric each day in my normal life pre-COVID-19. How should you choose what to rebuild, what to leave behind, and what new paths to try for the first time? Clinical psychological science provides some helpful clues for how to chart your course out of pandemic life.

1. Set realistic expectations

You are less likely to be disappointed if you set reasonable expectations.

For instance, you’ll likely feel some anxiety as you try to figure out what’s OK to do and what’s still risky. Even as the risk level has declined in many places, there is still uncertainty and unpredictability tied to the current coronavirus risks, and it’s natural to feel anxious or ambivalent when letting go of an established habit, like wearing masks. So, be ready for some anxiety and realize it doesn’t mean something is wrong—it’s a natural reaction to a very unnatural situation.

It’s also likely that many social interactions will feel a little awkward at first. Most Americans are out of practice socializing, and repeated practice is what helps us feel comfortable.

Even if your social skills were at their peak, the current moment serves up a lot to navigate interpersonally. Chances are you won’t always agree with the people in your life on where to draw the lines about what’s safe and what’s not. There are going to be some complicated summer parties to navigate given many families have some members vaccinated and some not. That will be frustrating after waiting so long to finally get together.

And you won’t automatically have warm, fuzzy feelings about all your colleagues, family, friends, and neighbors. Many of those little annoyances that cropped up in your interactions before you ever heard of COVID-19 will still be there.

So, expect some awkwardness, frustration, and annoyance—everyone’s creating new patterns and adjusting to changed relationships. This should all get easier with time and practice, but having realistic expectations can make the transition smoother.

2. Live your values

To help plan which activities and relationships to put time into, think about your priorities.

Living in ways that are consistent with your values can promote well-being and reduce anxiety and depression. Many therapeutic exercises are designed to help reduce the discrepancy between your stated values and the choices you make day to day.

Imagine you are asked to carve a pie to illustrate your different roles and how important each is to the way you feel about yourself and the values you prioritize. You might value your roles as a mother, a spouse, and a friend most highly, assigning them the biggest pieces of your pie.

What she values most about herself. Thinking about your priorities is the first step toward figuring out how closely your real life aligns with them.

Now, what if you were asked to carve that pie in a way that reflects how you actually allocate your time and energy, or how you actually tend to evaluate yourself. Is the time you spend with friends much lower than its value to you? Is the tendency to judge yourself based on rigid work demands much higher?

How she really spends her time. Recognizing that your real-life choices don’t match up with what you value the most can help you identify the parts of your life that deserve a higher priority.

Of course, time is not the only meaningful metric, and all of us have periods when certain parts of our lives need to dominate—think about life as a parent of a newborn, or a student during final exams. But this process of considering your values and trying to align what you value and how you live can help guide your choices during this complex time.

3. Keep track

Clinical psychologists recommend engaging in activities that feel rewarding in some way to stave off negative moods. Doing things that are pleasurable, that provide a sense of accomplishment or help you meet your goals, can all feel rewarding, so this isn’t just about having fun.

For most people, some balance of fun, productive, social, active, and relaxing activities in life is key to feeling like your different needs are being met. So, try keeping track of your activities and mood for a week. See when you feel more or less happy and when you feel like you’re meeting your goals, and adjust accordingly. It will take some trial and error to find the balance of activities that provides that sense of reward.

4. Is this a time of growth or preservation?

There is fascinating research showing that the perception of time can influence your goals and motivation. If you feel time is waning—as often occurs for older adults or those experiencing a serious illness—you are likely to seek deeper connections with a smaller number of people. Alternatively, those who feel time is open-ended and expansive tend to seek new relationships and experiences.

As restrictions loosen, are you desperate to visit a close friend in the town you grew up in? Or more excited to travel to an exotic location and make new friends? There isn’t a right answer, but this research can help you consider your current priorities and plan that next reunion or trip accordingly.

5. Recognize your privilege and pay it forward

If you are vaccinated and healthy and can return to more normal activities, then you are in a fortunate group after a year of such devastating losses. As you plan how to use this time, consider the research showing that your emotional health improves when you do things to benefit others.

Being intentional about helping others is a win-win. Many people and communities are in need right now, so think about how you can contribute—be it time, money, resources, skills, or a listening ear. Asking what your community needs to recover and thrive and how you can help address those needs, as well as considering what you and your household need, can boost everyone’s well-being.

As the return to so-called normal life becomes more of a reality, don’t idealize post-pandemic life or you are bound to be disappointed. Instead, be grateful and intentional about what you choose to do with this gift of a reboot. With a little thought, you can do better than “normal

Perfectionism versus Doing Your Best

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PerfectionismOvercome Perfectionism

Standing on pointed ballet slippers

Perfectionism is often seen as a positive trait that increases your chances of success, but it can lead to self-defeating thoughts or behaviors that make it harder to achieve goals. It may also cause stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. People who strive for perfection out of feelings of inadequacy or failure may find it helpful to speak with a therapist; this can often help people manage excessive self-criticism.

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?

Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection. It is typically viewed as a positive trait rather than a flaw. People may use the term “healthy perfectionism” to describe or justify perfectionistic behavior. 

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth. 

Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, distinguishes between perfectionism and healthy behavior. She says, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth.” She explains that perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame.

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A PERFECTIONIST

Most people engage in perfectionism from time to time or in certain areas of life. People who are nearly full-time perfectionists may feel the need to achieve perfection constantly. They might also:

  • Not be able to perform a task unless they know they can do it perfectly.
  • View the end product as the most important part of any undertaking. As a result, they may focus less on the process of learning or completing a task to the best of their ability. 
  • Not see a task as finished until the result is perfect according to their standards. 
  • Procrastinate. People with perfectionism may not want to begin a task until they know they can do it perfectly.
  • Take an excessive amount of time to complete a task that does not typically take others long to complete. 

EXAMPLES OF PERFECTIONISTIC BEHAVIOR

Most people want to achieve success, but working hard to reach your goals does not always indicate perfectionistic behavior. People who are perfectionists typically believe that nothing they do is worthwhile unless it is perfect. Instead of being proud of their progress, learning, or hard work, they might constantly compare their work to the work of others or fixate on achieving flawless output.

Even when people with perfectionistic traits get their desired results, they may still be unsatisfied. They may feel that if they truly were perfect, they would not have had to work so hard to achieve their goals.

Some examples of perfectionism include:

  • Spending 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.
  • Believing that missing two points on a test is a sign of failure.
  • Difficulty being happy for others who are successful.
  • Holding oneself to the standards of others’ accomplishments or comparing oneself unfavorably and unrealistically to others.
  • Skipping class or avoiding a chore because it is pointless to make an effort unless perfection can be achieved.
  • Focusing on the end product rather than the process of learning.
  • Avoiding playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of being shown up as less than perfect.

TYPES OF PERFECTIONISM

A few distinct types of perfectionism are thought to exist. While these types share similar behaviors, their motives and outcomes often differ.

Personal standards perfectionism: Someone who practices this type of perfectionism may adhere to a set of standards that motivate them. Others might still consider these standards to be high, but they are motivating to the person who sets them. This type of perfectionism is thought to be healthy, as it does not lead to excessive stress or burnout. People with personal standards perfectionism may be less likely to use harmful habits to cope with stress brought on by perfectionism. A person only has this type of perfectionism if their goals make them feel energized and not overwhelmed or paralyzed. 

Self-critical perfectionism: This type of perfectionist is more prone to becoming intimidated by the goals they set for themselves rather than feeling motivated. They may more often feel hopeless or that their goals will never become reality. Research suggests that self-critical perfectionism is more likely to lead to negative emotions, such as distress, avoidance, anxiety, and self-condemnation. 

Socially prescribed perfectionism: Outlined in a 2014 York University study, this type of perfectionism describes the demand for excellence often placed on people with jobs that require extreme precision, such as lawyers, medical professionals, and architects. Individuals in these professions experienced more hopeless thoughts, stress, and a higher risk for self-harm and suicide. 

Socially prescribed perfectionism also applies to people who are held to high cultural or societal standards and who strive to meet these unrealistic goals. For example, students may be held to high academic standards by their parents. Teens and adults who feel pressure to obtain the type of body purported to be “ideal” by society may develop traits of socially prescribed perfectionism as a result.

DOMAINS OF PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism can impact many areas of a person’s life, and these areas are often referred to as domains. Sometimes, perfectionism affects only one domain, while other times, it impacts multiple domains. Below are some areas of life perfectionism can affect. 

  • In the workplace or at school: People who are perfectionists in school or at work may take longer than others to complete a task. They may also avoid starting a task they do not feel confident in. This is often due to a desire to complete the task perfectly.
  • Intimate relationships or friendships: Perfectionism can cause people to place their unrealistic standards on their loved ones, bringing extra stress and pressure into the relationship. 
  • Physical activity: Sports and athletics often encourage or exacerbate perfectionism. In individual sports, such as gymnastics or track, perfectionism may be especially prevalent, since the athlete is often competing against oneself.
  • Environment or surroundings: This may include the need for one’s house or yard to be immaculate at all times. It can cause an individual to spend large amounts of time and energy keeping their immediate surroundings tidy or in line with their aesthetic standards.
  • Hygiene and health: Ironically, this type of perfectionism may cause health issues. For instance, someone may stop brushing their teeth because they failed to do so once. This type of perfectionism may also lead to eating disorders like orthorexia nervosa, in which individuals feel compelled to stick to a rigidly healthy diet.
  • How one speaks or writes: When a person is perfectionistic about how they speak or write, the quality of their speech or writing may decrease. It may cause them to speak very little or to avoid writing for fear of making a mistake.
  • Physical appearance: This type of perfectionism can cause someone to worry excessively about their personal grooming or style. They may take hours choosing what to wear or how to style their hair. Perfectionism surrounding physical appearance can also lead to eating disorders or exercise addiction.

WHAT CAUSES PERFECTIONISM?

Many factors can contribute to whether perfectionism develops. A few include:

  • Frequent fear of disapproval from others or feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
  • Mental health issues like anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). While a correlation between OCD and perfectionism has been found to exist, not all people with perfectionism have OCD, and not all people with OCD are perfectionists.
  • Having a parent who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval when their children’s efforts do not result in perfection. Some parents may encourage their child to succeed in every area or push perfection on them to an extent that can be considered abusive.
  • An insecure early attachment. People who had a troubled attachment with parents when they were young may experience difficulty self-soothing as adults. They may have trouble accepting a good outcome as good if it’s not perfect.

People with a history of high achievement sometimes feel overwhelming pressure to live up to their previous achievements. This often leads them to engage in perfectionistic behavior. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies.

If you feel you may have traits of perfectionism that cause you daily distress, know that perfectionistic behavior and habits can be changed. It is possible to learn healthier attitudes about your goals and standards with the help of a trusted, compassionate therapist.

References:

  1. Flett, G. L., Heisel, M. J., & Hewitt, P. L. (2014). The destructiveness of perfectionism revisited: Implications for the assessment of suicide risk and the prevention of suicide. Review of General Psychology, 18(3), 156-172. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000011
  2. Hasse, A. M., Prapavessis, H., & Owens, R. G. (2013, June 24). Domain-specificity in perfectionism: Variations across domains of life. Personality and Individual Differences, 55(2013), 711-715. Retrieved from http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.719.5924&rep=rep1&type=pdf 
  3. Rettner, R. (2010, July 11). The dark side of perfectionism revealed. Retrieved from http://www.livescience.com/6724-dark-side-perfectionism-revealed.html
  4. Scutti, S. (2014, September 26). Perfectionists, especially doctors, architects, and lawyers, are at higher risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.medicaldaily.com/perfectionists-especially-doctors-architects-and-lawyers-are-higher-risk-suicide-305256
  5. Szymanski, J. (2011, October 3). Perfectionism: Healthy or hurtful? Retrieved from http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/10/is_perfectionism_helping_or_hu.html

Last Update: 11-05-2019

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