Letting Go…

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How do you let go of attachments?  Don’t even try.  Effort creates attachment.  Rather, attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.”  ~ Eckhart Tolle

1.  The C- concept

When you recognize a quality in the other that was abandoned in yourself, it creates a longing – like a phantom limb. You become mesmerised. When you are attracted to a person, it’s often your “idea” of that person that creates the draw.

I call it you, but in truth, it is my own longing for my lost-self. 

In order to survive our first relationships, we learn to dis-own parts of ourselves that others have disliked. We even forget it was ever a part of our true nature. 

My first clear experience of this was when I met a beautiful woman who was crazy-funny! ..”I wish I could be that free”… In retrospect, she represented an aspect of Self that I had learned to shut down. By hanging out with her, my 1/2 self – hence, the C – felt Whole – like a complete circle – an O

Try this is if your attachment is about a quality in the other: Write about the quality you are attracted to. Ask yourself, is it true that I lack the same aspect? 

2. Compassion Project (to FIX you)

When I resonate with you because I feel your pain, I experience a flooding of MDMA-like chemicals that expand my capacity for loving compassion (read more about mirror-neurons). In truth, I love the way I feel.

It feels like love..

Try this if your attachment is about Compassion

Write everything you love about (the other). Write the advice you would give them, what you want for them.

Now, take your sentences and cross out the other’s name. Replace it with “I, me”.

For example, “I wish you could see how wonderful you are” becomes “I wish I could see how wonderful I am“.

“If only you could see how much I love you” becomes “If only I could see how much I  deserve to love me“. (See Byron Katie’s The Work/”turnarounds“)

We often think we have to FORCE ourselves to make a decision regarding attachments, but it never works. We will be done when we get the message… then we are done.

 What are your experiences? And your thoughts? 

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We Are All Connected

I love the idea of Namasté…

              “The Divine in me recognizes and honors
                                                                                                   the Divine in you”.



There is a definition of God which has been repeated by many philosophers. God is an intelligible sphere—whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere. And the center is right where you’re sitting. And the other one is right where I’m sitting. And each of us is a manifestation of that mystery. That’s a nice mythological realization that sort of gives you a sense of who and what you are.” ~ Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

Although not everyone views Namasté this way – as a deeply spiritual acknowledgment of the soul in one,  by the soul in another – this is how I experience it.

Namasté represents a belief that:

  • The Life Force, the Divinity, the Self or the God, in me, is the same in all living things
  • That we are all made from the same One Divine Consciousness
  • According to one source I came across, a spiritual frequency is generated when two people greet each other with Namasté

    They wrote:

    When a person greets another with the feeling that “I am paying obeisance to the soul in the other”, a ring of spiritual emotion is created within him. Where there is spiritual emotion, there is Communion with God, and one is better able to access the sense of God’s presence. As a result, a ring of spiritual emotion  is created around the person who is being greeted as well. This in turn attracts a flow of the Divine Principle or God’s power. Wherever there is Divine Principle, a flow of Bliss is attracted.”   (Spiritual Research Foundation.org).

    Well, I don’t know about that – but I can sense that it may, in fact, be true…

    Namasté

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    How Get The Most From Your Life!

    Dreaming Into The Life You Want Most

    Will Give You The Most

     

    discipline

    What Do You Want In Your Life?

    It might feel a bit uncomfortable to become “conscious”  of what you want the most from life, but Not knowing might land you somewhere else.

    Dreaming Into The Life You Want Most Will Give You The Most!

    The greater the clarity of your dreams, the more likely you’ll make choices along the way that honor your vision. The following instructions will help you get started.

    Ask yourself these questions:

    1. Where do You want to see yourself in 6 month? … 2 years? … 5 years?  Try to visualize yourself in the future.

    Imagine walking into your home five – ten years from now…

    Imagine arriving at your home –  where is it located?  Is it a house, an apartment…?…

    Walk in the front door. Who lives with you?…

    Reflect on your day. What was it like?  If you work, take a moment to dream into it. Or were you doing something else?… were you with friends, family…?

    What will you do in the evening? Again, just imagine the perfect situation.

    2. What are the necessary qualities you will need to achieve this vision?

    If, for example, you see yourself in 5 years with a different career, you may need schooling. If you see yourself as part of a couple, you may need to work on your interpersonal “issues”. If you see yourself as healthy, you may need to give up a bad habits. List a few of the qualities that will help you get there.

    See it to become it!

    Things to Know About the Teenage Brain

    Worth Reading – From Off The Web!

    dreamstime_m_211796Behavior makes sense when we understand what causes it, and the most effective adult responses become clearer when the nature of adolescent development is revealed.

    The brain is a great place to start. Adolescence poses unique neurobiological circumstances that can help to put teens’ behaviors into perspective. Understanding these aspects of adolescent growth will help us maintain an open stance so that we can build effective, authentic relationships with our teens.
    Fortunately, adolescent brain research continues to evolve and give us answers about why teens do what they do.

    So why do teens act the way they do?

    dreamstime_m_41026164Reason #1: Their prefrontal cortex is still developing.

    Longitudinal studies on adolescent brains tell us that the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until at least age 25! The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning, organizing, and synthesizing all the information coming into our brain and figuring out what to do with it in goal directed behavior. Many of the behaviors most typically associated with teenagers –  poor judgment, lack of planning and foresight and ineffective problem solving—are heavily influenced by the prefrontal cortex’s immaturity.

    REASON #2: Their mastery of emotional-interpretation is just starting to develop.

    Continue reading

    “Good To Be Alive Today” 

    Amazing video… Click the link, then read the lyrics HERE

    It’s Good To Be Alive Today!

    “Everyday I wake up and turn my phone on

    I read the news of the day, just as it’s coming down

    I do my best not to let it get me down

    I try to keep my head up, but it’s  Babylon

    This world’s in crisis, we try to fight it, this changing climate

    The scientists and politicians divided by it

    So many ways we could solve it but they would never sign it

    This mountains tumbling down, but still we try to climb it

    It’s in the Torah, Quran and in the Bible

    Love is the message ; But some how we turn to rivals

    It’s come to people always picking up their rifles

    Another school getting shot up; homicidal
    Some people trying to fly, some people trying to get high

    Some people losing their mind, some people trying to get by

    And when you look in my eyes, you see the sign of the times

    We’re all looking for the same thing
    But what if this song’s number one…

    Would it mean that love had won?

    Would it mean that the world was saved?

    And no guns are being drawn today?

    What if everybody had a job?

    And nobody had to break a law?

    What if everyone could say…

    That it’s good to be alive today?
    Oh, Is it good to be alive today?

    Oh… Is it good to be alive today?
    People used to feel safer when they would hear a siren

    Like help is on its way but now they only think of violence

    Another youth in the streets and police are in a conflict

    And now they hear the guns click.

    Ebola crisis and ISIS is taking heads off

    A drone is bombing a village and now the kids all

    Signing up to be soldiers, all willing now

    To do the killing now, now are you willing now?

    Some politicians out there making up some problems

    And trying to tell the people that they can solve them

    With TV shows and soundbites and quotes

    But everybody knows that it’s all about the cash flow

    They telling you and me, they’re making progress

    But tell it to the millions of jobless

    It’s like a players club with billions of dollars

    To get the votes you got to make it rain in congress
    Some people trying to fly, some people trying to get high

    Some people losing their mind, some people trying to get by

    And when you look in my eyes, you see the sign of the times

    We’re all looking for the same thing…
    But what if this song’s number one

    Would it mean that love had won?

    Would it mean that the world was saved?

    And no guns are being drawn today?

    What if everybody had a job?

    And nobody had to break a law?

    What if everyone could say

    That it’s good to be alive today?

    Oh… Is it good to be alive today?…

    And we all say: One day, we all will say
    That it’s good to be alive today

    One day, one day

    One day, one day

    One day, we all will say

    That it’s good to be alive today”

    https://vimeo.com/168031157

    Best Marriage Tip Ever

    Times Magazine published an article about how to make your marriage work, entitled, The Single Best Piece of Marriage Advice Ever Given

    It’s a common topic – you can find articles in magazines all over the place, almost every month out of the year.  But I thought it was a good article, so here’s a bit of a summary:

    The highest praised piece of advice, according to the author, is to rise above the minutia of daily life and commit to bringing out the best in your partner.  

    “In wise love, each divines the high secret self of the other and, refusing to believe in the mere daily self, creates a mirror where the lover or the beloved sees an image to copy in daily life.”  ~William Butler Yeats 

    You can’t do this without understanding what it is that your spouse truly wants. That may sound easy, but isn’t. In the short term, you might know she wants a promotion, or he wants to live in the country. But that is not the “high secret self” you need to know. The “high secret self” exists apart from daily desires and even apart from the twists of fate and fortune that get in the way.

    And when your partner has given in to his or her least attractive tendencies, this is the moment when you must see through the annoying, demanding, complaining, failing, faltering wreck in front of you—and find the strong, kind, fascinating, functional person you know your spouse wants to be.

    You have to learn to be critical without criticizing. The origin of the word critic is the Greek word kritikos, which does not mean “able to pick at flaws incessantly” but does mean “able to make judgments.” This is a crucial difference. The kind of criticism that helps marriage is the kind you learned in English class: studying something so well that you can find its hidden patterns and its deeper truths. If you apply this kind of criticism in marriage, it is actually possible to stop a spouse in mid-spiral (sometimes even in mid-sentence!) and say, “Excuse me, no offense, but you are not being the person you want to be.” The pronoun is vital. The difference between “who you want to be” and “who I want you to be” is the difference between encouragement and nagging: spark and ash.

    Article Source : The Single Best Piece of Marriage Advice Ever Given

    Recognizing and Changing an Abusive Relationship

    Worth reading from off the web!

    womanInDespairPXfreeThere are three essential elements to an abusive relationship:

    1.  Consistent occurrences of power and control over another

    2.  Chronic feelings and displays of disrespect

    3.  Unhealthy attachment mistaken for love

    Abusers are highly deceptive and the victim, as well as others, have no idea that he is being abusive at all.  He purposefully undermines his victim’s individuality and confidence by dominating conversations and suppressing her identity, making her into a mere object for his purposes. He minimizes anything about her, including her opinions, accomplishments, concerns, feelings, or desires.  This causes her to do the same and she learns to minimize herself as well.

    Abuse and respect are polar opposites

    He has a chronic attitude of disrespect towards his partner.  A respectful relationship is not abusive and an abusive relationship does not contain respect. An abuser views his partner as his property, which allows him to feel powerful and in charge.

    It is essential for an abuser to feel this way because he has a fragile ego and delicate sense of self. Without feeling more powerful than his partner he feels weak and vulnerable. Feeling any sense of vulnerability taps into his sense of powerlessness which he is unwilling to experience for any reason. As long as he sees himself in the “one up” position his fragile ego is kept at bay.

    Abuse is caused by the belief system of the abuser. The abuser has developed a deeply ingrained sense of superiority and entitlement which does not go away by learning how to manage anger or resolve conflicts. Abusers use anger to control. They engage in conflicts to abuse their partner; show their superiority; and keep intimacy away. Since intimacy requires vulnerability, a feeling abusers avoid at all costs, they have no interest in developing such closeness.

    Abuse is not the same as conflict. A conflict involves a difference of opinion. Abuse involves the need for the abuser to stifle the feelings, thoughts, opinions, and values of the abused. An abuser refuses to accept any accountability or responsibility for any of the problems in the relationship. His hallmark attitude is one of superiority and blame. It is not the conflict that is the problem. The abuser caused the conflict in the first place. There can be no resolution.

    There is no way to “approach their partner appropriately,” or “pick the right time to address something.”

    Abusers can choose any reason to blame his victim for an abusive incident. Abusers abuse because they choose to. It is the abusive mindset that allows them to abuse for a number of reasons:

    (1) They are unhappy and they don’t know what to do with their emotions.

    (2) They dump their rage and shame on others.

    (3) They may have a narcissistic or anti-social personality disorders.

    (4) They feel in control, powerful, strong, and superior, which helps them keep all weak, needy, and vulnerable emotions hidden.

    (5) Some people abuse because they were taught this as children and operate out of this inner working relationship dynamic.

    Whether abuse is physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual, or some rendition of all of these, there are some basic components of abuse; these are: blame, criticism, neglect, oppression, minimization, rigidity, ridicule, lies, invalidation, lack of accountability, no remorse, no apologies, repeated name calling, double standards, violence, and a consistent lack of empathy.

    Realize that abuse, like addiction, is a chronic “disease” that progresses with time, meaning it only gets worse.

    Can an abuser be cured?

    Of course anything is possible.

    Here are the signs that an abuser is changing:

    • he is willing to be accountable to his spouse and others;
    •  he is willing to never have a sense of entitlement in any relationship, for any reason,
    •  he shows self-reflection and insight;
    • he stops blaming others or minimizing, justifying, or rationalizing his own attitudes and behaviors;
    • he listens to and validates others, including his spouse;
    • while he is never going to be perfect, when he messes up, he apologizes, shows insight into what he did wrong, shows remorse, and changes.

     

    Abusers in recovery are just like alcoholics in recovery

    Alcoholics can never even have one drink ever again in order to maintain sobriety. Abusers can’t be like “normal” people who may be rude or disrespectful at times. Recovery for an abuser needs to be different from what comes natural for the partner. Coddling an abuser and showing him empathy only exacerbates his entitlement. Recovery for an abuser requires that he does not allow himself to ever be rude, disrespectful, entitled, or invalidating ever again. Instead, he is humble and compassionate at all times. No excuses.

    About Sharie Stines, Psy.D

    Sharie Stines, Psy.D. is a recovery expert specializing in personality disorders, complex trauma and helping people overcome damage caused to their lives by addictions, abuse, trauma and dysfunctional relationships. Sharie is a counselor at LIfeline Counseling & Education Inc., in Whittier, California (www.lifelinecounseling.org).

    Edited for readability   Source: Recognizing and Changing an Abusive Relationship | The Recovery Expert