When Relationship Conflict Turns into Fighting

Worth reading from Off The Web! At psych central : http://psychcentral.com/lib/author/marie/

AngryCoupleSilloeutteConflict is inevitable as soon as we expand our world from me to we. Once two people decide to commit to each other; once they start to share responsibilities and living space and dreams, there are bound to be issues that require either negotiation or accommodation. People who love each other and who are willing to work on problems together generally have the capacity to solve whatever problem comes their way. But even the most mature and most skilled problem-solvers sometimes get stuck. What started out as a difference of opinion or a problem to be solved turns into a fight that goes nowhere.

At that point, neither person understands what is happening. One or both may feel unreasonably attacked, blamed, misunderstood or abandoned. The usual responses to fear — fight, flight or freeze — kick in. The original problem has now been compounded by hurt and anger.

When that happens, one of the following underlying issues is often at fault. Unless it is addressed directly, the couple will find themselves fighting about things large and small that are really just forums for battling yet again about the more fundamental but unnamed issue.

Triggers from the Past.

Some people are so wounded from their experiences growing up that anything that looks at all like a repetition of family dynamics makes them shut down or run away. Adult children of alcoholics, for example, are understandably sensitive when their partner has a drink or two. Their partner may have a perfectly reasonable approach to alcohol. But a drink in his hand triggers old fears, old resentments and old behaviors.
Less obviously, if someone grew up with a parent who easily lost her temper and perhaps got violent, all it takes is for the partner to raise their voice a few decibels to send the other person into a defensive mode.

Unresolved Trauma for One or Both.

People who have been traumatized by a horrific event, especially when it involved betrayal or pain by a trusted person, sometimes learn to dissociate as a method of self-protection. By emotionally separating, they did manage the unmanageable. But the very thing that kept them safe during the trauma is now in the way of being a present and involved partner when there is an important problem to be solved.

Developmental Issues.

Some couples do fine as long as their life remains stable. But life rarely remains constant. Developmental shifts like the birth of children, job changes, kids leaving home, death of a parent, etc., need to be recognized and taken into account or they can block effective decision-making. This is especially true if several life tasks pile up. If the couple finds themselves in regular fights, it may be that there is unresolved grief or anger or fear connected to the change.

Lack of Role Models.

We are living in a world where there are more and more adult children of single parents and divorce. Other young adults have grown up without a second adult in the house due to early death of a parent or chronic illness or addiction.
Yes, as long as kids have supportive and caring adults in their lives, they can be okay regardless of circumstance. Kids’ resiliency and creativity is often amazing. But many young adults today did not have the experience of regularly watching two adults have disagreements and work through them. They have not witnessed the process of healthy negotiation and healthy decision-making.

These young adults have to figure it out all on their own. Hopefully they will do so together. But sometimes they respond to conflict with the usual reactions to fear: Fight, Flight or Freeze. None of those are helpful in solving a problem.

Generational Loyalty Conflict.

There are families or origins that make it almost impossible for their adult children to be positive and committed adult marriage partners. In such families, the individual has been programmed to be loyal to parents first, spouse second. This can take a variety of forms: The adult child is always expected to be “on call” for his family of origin and to drop everything to respond to the parents’ needs. The parent(s) insist that the adult child always side with them if they disagree with the spouse. The older generation expects to be consulted about any major decision that the young couple makes. The older generation expects financial support regardless of whether they need it or if the younger generation has their own obligations or desires.
When a partner has to choose between his or her parents and partner, everyone ultimately loses.

Dovetailing Dysfunctional Patterns.

The partners’ dysfunctional coping styles fit together so well, they can neither see them or break through them. A classic example is the pursuer-distancer relationship. She has learned that in order to get her needs met, she needs to pursue her partner. He has learned that in order to feel that he has some control, he needs to take some space. The more he separates, the more frightened she gets, so she pursues even more insistently. The more she pursues, the more he pulls away. And around and around it goes. Whatever problem needed to be solved is lost in the dance of closeness and distance.
Yes, people can avoid conflict if one or the other partner accommodates or gives in too much, but that usually results in resentment. People can also steer clear of conflict by avoiding talking about anything that is really important. In that case, they will drift apart. But there is another way.

When a couple regularly finds themselves in the same fight and can’t resolve it on their own, it is often helpful to get some outside help. A therapist can see the issues they are either blind to or haven’t resolved. Although it is sometimes helpful for each person to engage is individual therapy to deal with unresolved personal history, it is not only appropriate but essential for both people to be involved when they are in a committed couple. It is important for them to learn how to identify each other’s old issues and be supportive of each other in their efforts to move beyond old defenses, to trust, and to confront their problems together.

Mature couples aren’t alarmed by differences but see them as places of growth. By talking about a difference of opinion, style, or approach to a problem and by working at it, they learn more about each other and develop their mutual problem-solving skills. With each problem they resolve in a way they can both accept, they become a stronger couple.

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How To Revitalize Your Relationship

Couples fall in love.  And if they love each other enough…  and if the psychological timing is right for both,  they will stay.  Maybe even make a commitment to make a future together.

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Aah! The magic!

Regardless of who you are, or your partner is, life together will inevitably create a predictable routine. With a rhythm in place, safety and comfort are born.

Eventually however, people fall into two traps (at least):

  • We filter our communication to avoid discomfort, and
  • We lose the exquisite feelings of the initial sense of love and wonder.

The Avoidance of Discomfort

I have a theory  that part of the magic of beginner’s love is the result of endorphins,  those magical brain-drugs that, in part, provide a block to our pain – In this case, to our emotional  and  historical pain.  With these lovely Blocks in place,  we feel invincible!  We become compassionate listeners,  creative lovers,  and have little or no anxiety about the usual worries –  like fear of rejection.  We are – truly – the Best We Can Be. 

But eventually our brain goes back to normal. We become sensitive to our old, unresolved wounds, and begin defending ourselves in the ways we did before. Most of us become extra aware of our partner’s responses to us, and subconsciously, build old familiar walls of self-protection.

Losing The Sense of Wonder and Vitality in Your Relationship

When we develop routines, the ability to see things as they are in the moment is sacrificed. In relationships, this can be deadly. Routines offer predictability, but when it comes to real people, we lose so much of who the other is when we mistakenly think We Know!

If you don’t believe me, answer the following questions.

  1. Have I changed, or evolved, in any way, during the last year?  Consider your opinions: views about the world, the universe; your neighbors, friends,  colleagues,  family members. Consider your desires. Your fears. Your dreams. Of course you have!
  2. How has your partner evolved during the last year regarding the same considerations?

When you become aware of what factors might be attributing to the loss of satisfaction in your relationship, you can look for solutions.

Ideas To Get The Spark Back

When you and your partner first got together, you had no problem listening and talking for hours.

  1. Invite your partner to talk about his/herself for 1/2 hour. Then switch.

When you were first together, you thought about your partner all the time.

2. Make a list of “gifts” for your partner, and give one each day. Gifts can be acts of caring (cup of jo, massage, love notes, spontaneous “love” texts, gifts of food or drink, holding hands), dates (tickets to an event or to go to dinner), and favors (cleaning, gardening, sexual adventurousness).

Ideas To Open Communication Again

I cannot emphasize enough – Being honest and open is the only way to grow and evolve in your relationship. If you feel a lack of spontaneity in your relationship, it’s probably because you have created defenses (walls), supposedly for protection. Most of our defenses were created unconsciously, much earlier in life. They have become automatic and largely un-articulated.

1.  Journal 

Become aware of how your mind works by writing your description of recent uncomfortable events with your partner. Write freely and quickly. Now set it aside for a while. Go back and read it when you can be objective, and notice any underlying beliefs in your story.

Next, ask yourself if you can recall feeling anything similar in your past (the younger, the more fruitful the realization).

2.  Talk To Your Partner About Your Insights 

Finally, consider sharing your insight with your partner to open up communication. Try to use “I” statements so your partner feels less defensive.

Example: 

“The other day … when you didn’t call me on my birthday…  I was amazed at how sad I felt!  My mind went to places like ‘s/he doesn’t care about me…  and ‘what do I need to do to be cherished?’ .  Then I remembered that my reaction was from and old wound.  You see, when I was little….” 

By sharing your process, you take responsibility for keeping the story alive. You acknowledge YOU, and in doing so, you become aware of what you want to be different. You empower yourself by accepting yourself!

 

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All You Want to Know About Therapy

For Therapy to work, you must have a good connection…

and that’s why        

self-help books don’t work.

Our emotional lives, with all their emotional cues, are on board before any verbal or conceptual ability appears. And the consequences of these experiences are unaffected by intellectual efforts to change them.

That may be because emotions, and our most powerful “memories”, seem to be stored in the right hemisphere of the brain. And yet our thinking (or intellectualizingis a left-hemisphere activity.

Books and conversations about why we act the way we do are certainly helpful, but they don’t seem to be enough to effect real changes in our interactions with the world and ourselves.

So how can we make real changes?

Only by recreating as much as possible the initial conditions in which the processes were created in the first place.

We are born wired to seek connection with others. 

You may have heard that your first loves (parents) create the models for every relationship there after. They become our relationship-blueprints. Our experiences, especially with our caregivers, will become unconscious, intuitive memories that form the basis of our emotional life.

So if you want to change the deep, unconscious patterns that define your reactions to life’s events, you need an environment that can mirror those earliest connections, while, ideally, re-writing them (“neuroplasticity”). The result is a more harmonious existence in your current situations.

A powerful way to do this is through a positive connection with a trained professional (i.e., a psychotherapist). Good therapy aims to create a safe connection with the client so that emotional healing can take place.

And there is more to it, of course. Techniques that require direct experience have proven effective, such as working with the “inner child , mindfulness meditations, Journaling and others. I believe these techniques work because they access the right-brain.

When my client opens up to me as much as they can in a session, I know that we are accessing the right-brain. In doing so, the chances for authentic change become possible.

If you’d like to contact me, have a question, or want to chat, please click the link:

Work and contact info

call, 801-252-6754 (private voicemail, 24/7),

or Email me:  JaneLCSW@gmail.com

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Stay in Love by Staying Out of Fantasy

Old CoupleThere is hard science behind the notion that true love can last a lifetime. A neurological study from Stony Brook University revealed that couples who experience “romantic love” long-term, keep their brains firing in similar ways to couples who have just fallen in love.They defined “romantic love” as characterized by “intensity, engagement and sexual interest.”

If lasting love is an attainable goal, then what’s getting in the way of achieving it? What keeps so many people from maintaining that excitement and closeness they once felt with a partner?

One psychologist would argue that many couples can preserve “romantic love” by avoiding the trappings of a “Fantasy Bond.”

The fantasy bond is a concept developed by psychologist Robert Firestone. It describes an illusion of connection a couple forms that replaces real acts of love, affection, and relating. A fantasy bond exists when a couple starts to forego their individually and lose the “me” to become a “we.”

The most remarkable sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, presumably to become a ‘unit’, or a ‘whole’. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person.

According to Dr. Firestone, people have a tendency to reenact the defensive styles developed in childhood. Once old defensive styles are triggered,the individual acts with this defensive posture, blocking the development of a genuine, unique relationship with the partner.

The fantasy bond allows us to feel secure and connected to someone else, while numbing us against some of the more painful emotions that love stirs up, such as fear of loss, memories of hurt, longing, or rejection.

Unfortunately, we cannot selectively block out pain without also blocking out joy.

Without knowing it, couples tend to set up routines and fit each other into roles rather than face the unpredictability and inherent challenges that come with maintaining passion, excitement, and a deep sense of fondness for another person, separate from themselves.

So what are some signs that you may be in a fantasy bond?

• Less eye contact
• Breakdowns in communication
• Less frequent affection and routinized lovemaking
• Loss of independence
• Speaking as one person, overusing “we” statements
• Using everyday routines as symbols of closeness, in place of being emotionally close
• Engaging in role-determined behaviors (i.e., as father, wife, breadwinner, decision-maker), rather than developing yourself based on your personal goals and interests
• Using customs and conventional responses as substitutes for real closeness and relating

If you notice that your relationship has some of these qualities, don’t despair! A fantasy bond exists on a continuum. It isn’t a black or white, good or bad label for your relationship. Once you realize that you have fallen into some form of a fantasy bond, it is possible to reemerge as a happier, more in-love version of yourself.

To do this, you must first investigate and explore how your old wounds were triggered. Therapy can help you with that. It’s often hard to discover on your own. Then you can engage in behaviors that encourage real and meaningful contact with your partner, i.e.,try the opposite of what’s on the above list.

Ultimately, you can become the person you want to be in your relationship—minus the fairytale, but with a much happier ending.Stay in Love by Staying Out of Fantasy.

Some excerpts from PsychAlive: http://www.psychalive.org/stay-in-love-by-staying-out-of-fantasy/