Pain that seems Stuck on:”REPEAT”
As you’ve gone through your life, have you noticed any familiar issues that just keep resurfacing? These are usually said to ourselves as a conclusion, after a disappointment.
Things like, “no one ever takes me seriously” or “damned if I do, damned if I don’t!” Recently my client said, “men always run away from me after a while”, and my good friend says, “I’m obviously not a priority to (them).” Of course you believe it – why else would it hurt so much?
If life keeps leading you to the same conclusions, then it’s about you, not them. What I mean is, you were probably wired/programmed to reach the same painful conclusion at a much younger age. Some people call this Inner Child wounds. Regardless of the name, we all have some of these earlier, mistaken decisions that unconsciously run our lives.
But I’m going to challenge you to ask you:
Is it TRUE?
Does the absence of a phone call prove you are not important? When you pretend you are a go-with-the-flow kind of person and attract someone who believes you, is it really a surprise that they recoil when you fall apart? And when you speak in whispers with your eyes cast down, is it really so hard to see that it’s you not taking yourself seriously?
As a little child, the single way to make sense of the world was to blame yourself. If your caretakers were busy with their own problems and seemed distant, you thought it was your fault. In your limited way, you concluded that you were not-good-enough, worthless, bad, or unloveable.
Only after about age 8 were you capable of realizing that others’ action may have nothing to do with you. Without any conscious awareness, you created a “core issue”, and the underlying motivation of your life would be to avoid this hurt by building a good defense strategy. You may never notice this hurt but it is certainly there. It determines your actions and shapes your life.
“But I’m not a kid” you say to yourself… Okay. It’s true. You are a grown up in so many ways. And it’s the grown up you that has to take responsibility to figure out how you were mistaken as a kid, and reach in to fix those wounds.
Lets take my good friend for example. To think that she’s not important is a terrible thing to feel. But it simply isn’t true. And nothing anyone says will change her mind.And because her wounds were laid down as emotional memories, logic isn’t enough to un-do them. She’ll have to get creative in order to correct the mistaken belief.
The 1st step is to become aware. You can do this by focusing on a current hurtful situation while asking yourself, “What could have happened in my childhood that would draw me to the same conclusion?” You might find a memory or it may just be a feeling.
Discover your Core Issues
Below is a list of trigger-words that will help you discover your core issues. Find the words that hurt the most. As you read each one, notice how painful it would be if this were true about you (and they are not true).
|Unlovableundesirablenot worth loving
worthless no good not good enough
don’t measure up inadequate inferior insufficient less than a nothing insignificant unimportant selfish can’t be trusted helpless wrong have bad judgment don’t have what it takes insignificant
|Incompetent screwed up something is wrong with me can’t do anything right stupid unstable defective not acceptable Weak not wanted not worth respecting a coward irresponsible unreliablejust like your (parents)
|don’t belong different
a throw-away a nobody
can’t cut it evil repulsive heartless a horrible person ugly fat a slut lazy
a wimp dishonest bad don’t count not okay invisible
deserve to be miserable
Here’s the thing – None of these characteristics can be true about a child. Not a single one.You can talk to the Little You. Say something like “I am so sorry you feel _________. You are NOT ________.” Gently tell him or her that it wasn’t their fault, isn’t and never was TRUE….
Give yourself the love you’ve been looking for. It’s not their job anymore – it’s yours.
For more about Inner Child work, check out:
6 Steps to Healing Your Inner Child
2 thoughts on “Those Familiar Issues…”
Thanks a lot. Very helpful articles.
Thanks for the comment, especially from another therapist! :)