How to Do a Better Breakup

We birth bigger versions of ourselves during a break up. The birthing process is often painful, but it’s sacred.

via Deliberate Creators Guide to a Better Breakup.

LOA Relationship CoachWe’ve all heard it.  Breaking up is hard to do.  However, for a deliberate creator, or someone who wants to be responsible for how they are managing their own feelings, breaking up can pose some even more interesting challenges.  You know you not just want, but need to feel better.  You know you want to flow love.  You know you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts and feelings.  You know all of it, including the break up is your creation, and you know you are creating right now, with this vibration you’re holding this red hot second.   

But knowing all that, doesn’t make managing any of it easier.  In fact, sometimes it makes it harder, because not only do you feel the pressure of a break up, which is a major life transition, but you feel like you need to “do it in the vortex” or at least as close to it as possible.

So, I offer this.  The Deliberate Creators Guide to a Better Breakup.  

  1. Cry if you need to.  Crying comes and goes and often comes when you least expect it and when it’s least convenient.  Crying doesn’t mean anything.  It doesn’t mean you wish you could have your lover back.  It doesn’t mean you’re sorry.  It means you’re crying.  It means you’re moving energy and there’s a lot of energy in a break up.  That said, crying can’t be forced, so if it’s not there, it’s not there.  That’s ok.
  2. Get pissed.  Often times we try to dismiss our anger, or deny it.   People say it’s not productive, or spiritual, when in fact, it can be both.   Stuffing anger is what creates rage, and stuffing rage creates sickness and you don’t want that.  Anger is very proactive and that energy is part of the healing process.  It rarely lasts as long as we think it will, so genuinely enjoy it while it lasts, and use it if you’ve got it.  Good anger, is almost always a better feeling than sadness if we really just allow it to be what it is.
  3. Don’t deny the contrast.  There’s a reason you broke up.  The relationship didn’t work.  There’s pain, and anger, and hurt.  Trying to “LOA” that away won’t work, nor is it advisable.  Contrast massively valuable for creating the life of your dreams.  In fact it’s necessary.  Take stalk.  Tell the truth.  What went wrong?  What do you really want?  If you freely allow yourself to do that, you won’t have to do it very long.  If you try to dismiss the bad in favor of a “better feeling thought”  you’ll be stuck trying to manage the contrast a lot longer.  
  4. Put pen to paper.  Set aside time everyday to write.  Write the story of your relationship.  Write about what went wrong.  Write about what went right.  Write about the lessons you learned.  Make it a daily ritual.  There is something powerful about putting a story in writing.  The subconscious thinks it’s trying to protect you when it won’t let you forget how bad you feel.  But when you put it on paper, your subconscious starts to get the point that you’ve got the point.  
  5. Understand your brain chemistry.   Your brain chemistry is a powerful part of what’s happening to you in a break up.  When you feel bad, as in really bad, you are laying down a powerful pattern of chemicals that perpetuates into more feeling bad.   If you are aware of that, you can start to turn your brain chemistry to your benefit.  This is a very good time to take up a new hobby or learn a new skill.  Get your brain busy doing something else.  It rewires the chemistry.   It’s a fine balance between letting yourself be with the truth and distraction.  If you’re doing your writing and crying, you should be good to go for distraction more of the time.
  6. Get very serious about pleasure.  Pleasure is very uniquely physical.  It’s sensory.  Pleasure is also a very effective way of managing brain chemistry that is working against you.  It’s hard to feel bad when you’re engaged in really enjoying that banana split, or the smell of a flower, the sound of the music.  Key words, really engaged.  Seek pleasure like your life depends on it and bury yourself in it.
  7. Speaking of music.  Music might be your feel better, best friend.  We’ve all know about the break-up mixtape.  What you need here is a fabulous life soundtrack.   Back to the brain chemistry, it’s almost impossible for brain chemistry not to be affected by music.  So, if you are diligent about listening to your fabulous life sound track, it will inevitably have a positive effect on what’s happening in your head, and it’s profound, so don’t underestimate the power of positive music for improving your outlook and helping you land on clarity.  Seriously – do this.  It will help.
  8. Double up, even triple up on self care.  Breaking up takes energy, a lot of it.  So, your regular self care routine probably won’t cut it during this time.  Self care generates energy and you need energy to sustain positive change.   So, when in doubt do more for yourself, a lot more.  You need it.
  9. Manage your thoughts and the energy with the magic incantation.  When you aren’t having a healing moment of anger or sadness and when you aren’t doing your writing, you don’t want your thoughts to be running rampant about the ex, the relationship, or the break up, the what if’s or hows. When a thought about the break up or the ex arises, simply say out loud or to yourself,            “I bless and release you.”  Those five words are magic.  They cut the cords and start to release the energy that’s bound in the moment.   In the beginning you might have to use the magic incantation 1000 times a day, but if you need to, do it, one thousand times a day.  Sooner than you think, you’ll need it far less often.

Most importantly go easy on yourself.  This isn’t an overnight process.  If you really allow yourself to feel the truth, it will take less time than if you’re trying to skip over it, but no matter how you do it, it takes time.  The important thing to remember is this time is very creative.  We birth bigger versions of ourselves during a break up.   The birthing process is often painful, but it’s sacred. (tweetable!) Something very special is happening here.  You don’t want to rush the becoming process. 

Lisa Hayes is an LOA Relationship Coach and Author of How to Escape from Relationship Hell and the Passion Plan.  She is also co-founder of Good Vibe Coaching Academy, specializing in LOA Coach training.

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