If you’re stuck in communication patterns where you can “predict” what one another will say or do, it likely means it’s time to stop and think with your frontal cortex.
While it may be true that what your partner is doing is not working for you, its’ also true that you have 100% of the power to change your part in the drama.
To make this work, each partner must own their part. You are not a rock or an island. You’re interconnected.
But even if only one of you becomes more responsible and aware, the sooner you own your part, the sooner you can access your power to make optimal choices and create great outcomes. And if you put the habit of criticizing to rest for instance, the more likely you will “influence” your partner’s heart to do the same.
After all don’t you already:
“See” and “know” how ineffective it is when your partner uses blame-, shame; or says guilt-inducing comments; or gets stuck on making negative forecasts etc. See and know how unloving or unloved you “feel” inside when your partner seems to be competing for “who” is right, better, superior, etc.?
So then why would you use the same or similar tactics when you’re arguing, and expect a different response from your partner?
Ask yourself, do you really want the prize of “who’s more hurt, wronged, etc.” on your mantel? What would you gain if the whole world agreed that your partner is to blame or impossible to live with? If you continue to stay on a track that builds a case against your partner, would this finally lead them to give you the love and value you yearn to realize in the relationship? Likely not.
Keep in mind that like your heart, the key that opens your partner’s heart is feeling loved, valued, appreciated.
You’re both wired to keep reaching to feel good about yourself and life (i.e., happiness, joy), and often lack healthy
ways to feel good in moments of stress and boredom. But our body-mind will subconsciously opt for old tried-and-true “feel-good” options, which are often a waste of time and energy at best, if not harmful and destructive.
In a sense, you become your thoughts.
So, is it a good idea to become consciously aware of your thoughts? To not do so is like sitting on a million dollars rather than investing.
The good news is that it’s never too late to change negative patterns.
If you do not own your happiness, seek to actively grow, to learn what works and what does not (wisdom), to take action accordingly, then you risk approaching your partner with discouraging tactics of criticism, blame, doubts, etc., that trigger their deepest fears and doubts. It’s as if you are not there.
If you allow your thoughts or self-talk to keep you worrying about the future or wallowing about past failures or regrets, you cannot be in the present moment as an observer of your self and your relationships.
If you don’t know what your partner wants and their reasons, you are at risk of making energy-deflating assumptions or treating your partner as an extension of your self. It’s as if you are not there.
If you do not take actions to consciously support you and your partner to realize what you want, you are at risk of getting stuck in fear-based patterns that activate old emotion-command circuitry in your brain (so old, it takes you back to patterns formed when you were 3 or 5 years old!). Again, it is as if you’re not there.
There are partnerships that work okay if ‘Potential’ isn’t a goal for you. But if you see primary, loving relationships as a necessary role in reaching your full potential, as I believe, you need to learn how to be the best advocate for yourself and your loved ones.
Realizing your potential as individuals and as a couple is less about an “outcome” and more about an intention to live life fully: to learn; to grow in wisdom and understanding; to realize the amazing built-in capabilities you have to stretch your capacity and compassion for yourself and your partner.
What does that mean exactly and what is true potential? One thing your potential isn’t is a fixed, static outcome written in stone. Flexibility is a characteristic of creative energy (power); whereas inflexibility is characteristic of destructive power.
Potential can be described as a growing desire to bring into your life and relationship more love, more authenticity, more integrity, more acceptance, more humility, more gratitude, more sense of wellbeing.
This is living with the intention for you and your partner to love one another by living in a way to keep reaching for your highest, true potential as individuals and partners.
Ultimately realizing your potential involves cultivating your ability to do the “right” thing, and keep doing the right thing , especially when you do not “feel” like doing so, builds character, strength, courage and also deepens and matures your capacity to love your self, partner and life in a compassionate, wise-and-understanding way.
To do the right thing is to take action accordingly, meaning that it stems from wanting to do so out of emotions Of love, joy, caring, thoughtfulness, kindness, instead of emotions of fear, guilt, and shame.
One of the most powerful (and least accessed in relationships) kinds of action is to make clear, action-inspiring requests.
In couple relationships, this often comes “easy” for one partner, and not so easy for the other. If this sounds like you, don’t worry. It seems to be nature’s plan to bring together polar opposites on this (and other) dimensions. Nature seems to be interested in your growth, progress, transformation, and loves to challenge you.
Your couple relationship is a top-notch school, you may say, and the curriculum seems custom designed for both of you to stretch or change or modify your approach in the direction of the other.
- For the partner who “easily” makes requests, it may mean they need to tone down the intensity with which they make requests so they sound less like demands, ultimatums to the other.
- For the partner who responds with “I don’t know” when asked what they want, it may mean they need to stop talking themselves out of connecting to what they really want or making requests (to avoid upsetting the other).
- For both partners, it likely means you need to learn to “reimage” the other in your mind, so you “see” and treat the other as loving and loved, valued and appreciated (as you did when you first met!). This is an infinitely more powerful and effective way to restore your relationship – better than criticism, reactive negativity and the like.
To create the life experiences that meet your deepest yearnings means you must develop the ability to ask for what you want, and to listen to understand your partner’s wants as well.
Set an intention to become more and more aware of how you choose to use your power in present moments:
- to know and understand what you and your partner want and why
- take action to make life consciously more wonderful for one another This also frees you both to access life-shaping, miracle-making energies inside.
Therapy is a great avenue to get the right tools for a more richly rewarding relationship. For a referral ask friends, Doctors, or check with your insurance company.