Freedom is One Question Away…

If it’s true that the brain creates 3 thousand thoughts per minute, doesn’t it make sense that many of them aren’t even true?

Write one down. Take a break. Come back to it later and ask yourself, “Is it true?” Wait for the answer.

You may break out into a Big Smile… you might even laugh.

Experience the instant freedom!

Here are some examples:

* She’s hates me, so I must be a bad person.*

She hates me.

Is it true?

No. She seems upset, but it’s unlikely that she hates me.

I’m a bad person.

Is it true?

No. I have a lot of great qualities. I’m not perfect though. I’m ok with that, so, no. I am not a bad person”.

* I can’t get through this — this is killing me *

This is killing me.

Is it true?

It’s not true – this is uncomfortable but I won’t die.

Relationship Success

… boils down to 2 qualities –

Kindness & Generosity

couple-1190902_1920A team of researchers hooked couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship: how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, electrodes measured the subject’s blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them 6 years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered,  John Gottman (and team) separated the couples into two major groups: the Masters and the Disasters. The masters were still happily together after 6 years. The disasters had either broken up or were unhappy in their marriages.

One fact they found interesting: The more physiologically active the couples were in the experimental lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time. Now we’re not talking “aroused”  as in “sexually attracted”. We’re talking about being in fight-or-flight mode. Having a conversation, sitting next to their partner was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger! They didn’t feel safe with each other. Conversely, the masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy. They were more emotionally comfortable.

How did the masters create a culture of love and intimacy?

All people make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” The Other could respond by either turning toward” or “turning away.

Though the connection-bid might seem minor and silly to One partner, the Other partner apparently thought it was important enough to share, and the question is whether the partner recognizes and respects that.

Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids”  of only 33% – Only 3 of 10  bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87% of the time. That means 9 out of 10. They were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later.
Much of it comes down to the ‘spirit’ couples bring to the relationship – personality characteristics. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
Gottman concludes, “there’s a habit of mind that the Masters have. They are scanning the social environment for things about their partner they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building a culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.  On the other hand, the Disasters are scanning the social environment for their partners’ mistakes.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they are not there, and certainly, not valued. Being mean is the death bell of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from Gottman has shown that kindness, along with emotional stability, are the most important predictors of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated.

There’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to love and generosity in a relationship. Please note: this means that one partner can bring out goodness in the other – by way of example.

Gottman gives an example: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about being late, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

Masters appear to take the time to choose their words. They don’t ignore their feelings like some Disasters do (only to blow up later). They own their perceptions and approach the partner with a desire to share and solve the problem. Disasters will often approach as though they are an expert on the other and there is no invitation for a discussion.

Couples can learn to communicate with respect. They can learn about connection-bids. But they have to be motivated.

Excerpts from: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3InrNj0bN

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The Truth is…

The truth is always kind.  If your thoughts or words are not kind, dig deeper.



10 Lessons from the Dalai Lama

10 Beautiful Life Lessons from Dalai Lama

Dalai Lama has always been an inspiration to me. The essence of his teaching is to promote human values – self-discipline, forgiveness, empathy, happiness, peace and love. Peaceful and disarming, Dalai Lama described himself as a “simple Buddhist monk.” And it is in that simplicity that his lessons emerge. Let’s discover together how his teachings and thoughts will change your life.

1) Love is the absence of judgment. Judgement serves no purpose in our lives. It blocks us from truth, from love, and keeps you stuck in the illusion of separation. Love is our true essence. Love has no limitations, we are all beads strung together on the same thread of love. In the absence of judgment, love is what remains.

2) My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness. Being kind and compassionate is at the core of all spiritual teachings and path. It’s something that everyone can cultivate by choice. Instead of spending your time criticizing others, work on being positive and compassionate. Kindness gives a sense of well-being and connectedness that improves our own mental health. According to a research, whenever you are kind, your body rewards you with feel-good hormones and helps you stay healthy.

riersoul

3) Positive and negative actions are determined by one’s own motivation. If the motivation is good, all actions become positive; if the motivation is wrong, all actions become negative. Any action, whether the result is positive or negative, largely depends on motivation. If the motivation is sincere then the action can be positive, but if our motivation is not pure, even religion becomes smeared. In this statement by Dalai Lama, motivation refers to a thought and thought determines your intention. So, keep your thoughts good, always!

4) Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. When things don’t go the way we planned or as we want them to, we tend to look within ourselves. We think about what we could have done differently – it helps us to realign our focus, learn from our past mistakes and without setbacks or a bumpy ride, you would never be able to appreciate the smooth ride. When you overcome the fear for failure, you are prepared to face any challenges that come your way, and nothing is too difficult to handle. Remember, something better is in store for you!

5) We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. Relax Most of us live in this illusion that happiness and peace is derived from our external world, but the truth is exactly the opposite. If you are not at peace intrinsically, the outside world won’t make any difference to your state of mind. To be at peace, you have to shift from the future to the here and now. Live in the present as that is all you have. Spend time to reflect and chase away the negative thoughts. Accept yourself and then allow yourself to grow.

6) Sleep is the best meditation.This is my personal favorite. Sleep is the time when we get in touch with our subconscious mind through our dreams. We travel to a completely different world and return back refreshed. All living beings indulge in sleeping and it is one of the most crucial activities for the well-being of our mind, body and soul. Sleep deprivation is a huge culprit in negative moods, including anxiety and depression. Never compromise on your sleep!

7) The true hero is one who conquers his own anger and hatred. It is easy to fall prey to negative emotions – anger, hatred, fear, jealousy etc. Anger is a corrosive emotion that harms your mental and physical health. It damages the nervous, cardiovascular and gut system. Anger, if fed, can also lead to depression. In order to be free from anger and hatred, one requires a strong sense of self-determination, compassion and patience. Make a conscious choice to deal with the emotion and things that make you angry and focus on finding a solution – that would be a heroic accomplishment!

8) Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace. What+would+you+do+if+you+had+no+fear Thomas Gray said, “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.” Many of us only use the first half of the sentence, “Ignorance is Bliss” to avoid getting into situations of complex nature. Sometimes we ignore because it’s our own fault, out of fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace. Ignorance is the root cause of our piled up frustration which can show up disastrously on some occasion. To evolve and be at peace, one has to rise above the dirt (or adversity) and blossom (evolve) like a lotus.

9) It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view. This quote speaks a lot in itself. Don’t lose hope if an event or situation is negative or unpleasant, look on the bright side of a situation and embrace everything life throws at you. With this attitude, life doesn’t feel like a burden but an ever-learning adventure.

10) True spirituality is a mental attitude you can practice at any time. Spirituality is building a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves. It is about embracing the interconnectedness of all things, and to awaken to the true nature of self. You can have a spiritual experience while listening to music, walking in the woods, watching the rising sun or whatever nourishes your soul. This keeps your mind, body and spirit healthy!

 

from: Fractal Enlightenment by ,