How To Revitalize Your Relationship

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Couples fall in love.  And if they love each other enough…  and if the psychological timing is right for both,  they will stay.  Maybe even make a commitment to make a future together.

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Aah! The magic!

Regardless of who you are, or your partner is, life together will inevitably create a predictable routine. With a rhythm in place, safety and comfort are born.

Eventually however, people fall into two traps (at least):

  • We filter our communication to avoid discomfort, and
  • We lose the exquisite feelings of the initial sense of love and wonder.

The Avoidance of Discomfort

I have a theory  that part of the magic of beginner’s love is the result of endorphins,  those magical brain-drugs that, in part, provide a block to our pain – In this case, to our emotional  and  historical pain.  With these lovely Blocks in place,  we feel invincible!  We become compassionate listeners,  creative lovers,  and have little or no anxiety about the usual worries –  like fear of rejection.  We are – truly – the Best We Can Be. 

But eventually our brain goes back to normal. We become sensitive to our old, unresolved wounds, and begin defending ourselves in the ways we did before. Most of us become extra aware of our partner’s responses to us, and subconsciously, build old familiar walls of self-protection.

Losing The Sense of Wonder and Vitality in Your Relationship

When we develop routines, the ability to see things as they are in the moment is sacrificed. In relationships, this can be deadly. Routines offer predictability, but when it comes to real people, we lose so much of who the other is when we mistakenly think We Know!

If you don’t believe me, answer the following questions.

  1. Have I changed, or evolved, in any way, during the last year?  Consider your opinions: views about the world, the universe; your neighbors, friends,  colleagues,  family members. Consider your desires. Your fears. Your dreams. Of course you have!
  2. How has your partner evolved during the last year regarding the same considerations?

When you become aware of what factors might be attributing to the loss of satisfaction in your relationship, you can look for solutions.

Ideas To Get The Spark Back

When you and your partner first got together, you had no problem listening and talking for hours.

  1. Invite your partner to talk about his/herself for 1/2 hour. Then switch.

When you were first together, you thought about your partner all the time.

2. Make a list of “gifts” for your partner, and give one each day. Gifts can be acts of caring (cup of jo, massage, love notes, spontaneous “love” texts, gifts of food or drink, holding hands), dates (tickets to an event or to go to dinner), and favors (cleaning, gardening, sexual adventurousness).

Ideas To Open Communication Again

I cannot emphasize enough – Being honest and open is the only way to grow and evolve in your relationship. If you feel a lack of spontaneity in your relationship, it’s probably because you have created defenses (walls), supposedly for protection. Most of our defenses were created unconsciously, much earlier in life. They have become automatic and largely un-articulated.

1.  Journal 

Become aware of how your mind works by writing your description of recent uncomfortable events with your partner. Write freely and quickly. Now set it aside for a while. Go back and read it when you can be objective, and notice any underlying beliefs in your story.

Next, ask yourself if you can recall feeling anything similar in your past (the younger, the more fruitful the realization).

2.  Talk To Your Partner About Your Insights 

Finally, consider sharing your insight with your partner to open up communication. Try to use “I” statements so your partner feels less defensive.

Example: 

“The other day … when you didn’t call me on my birthday…  I was amazed at how sad I felt!  My mind went to places like ‘s/he doesn’t care about me…  and ‘what do I need to do to be cherished?’ .  Then I remembered that my reaction was from and old wound.  You see, when I was little….” 

By sharing your process, you take responsibility for keeping the story alive. You acknowledge YOU, and in doing so, you become aware of what you want to be different. You empower yourself by accepting yourself!

 

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You Can Say Anything!

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Communication Skills using the Awareness Wheel

I remember reading somewhere that the average person has about 300 thoughts per minute, along with the corresponding emotions, expectations, and conclusions. I don’t know how they came up with 300, but lets assume it’s true – That’s a lot of stuff going on! If you want to be clear and congruent in your communications, its essential that you slow this process down. You have to learn how to check in with yourself.

One of the tools I use with my clients in therapy is (aptly called) The Awareness Wheel. Once mastered, it helps the user understand their experiences (awareness), and, if desired, communicate clearly to someone else.

Each experience can be broken down into the following five categories:

AwarenessWheelSensing or the Facts– what you have seen or heard. They are behavioral descriptions, as if seen from a video camera, without evaluation or ascribing meaning.

Thinking – what you tell yourself the facts mean. They are the interpretations, beliefs, conclusions, or stories you tell yourself about what is going on.

Feelings or Emotions – Keep it simple: Sad, mad, glad or afraid.

Wants or intentions – What you think will fix the problem.

Doing or Actions – What you actually do.

Becoming a better communicator

• Perception Check

“This is my guess, am I accurate? ” Sometimes it is a good idea to test, clarify and alter your interpretations by moving back and forth between the sensory data and your interpretations.

A common problem in relationships is the result of confusing FACTS with thoughts/interpretations about what is happening. Our interpretations generate emotions, and we can be caught up in our anger or hurt because our assumptions about what’s going on is different than our partners. The model helps you to clarify interpretations and emotions by going back to the original sensory data (what you saw or heard) and checking each other’s interpretations. You may or may not get to agreement on the sensory data or the interpretations, but it’s helpful to know what each of you is thinking and perceiving.

• Use Responsible “I” Statements

Speaking as though we know the “other’s” intentions, feelings, or thoughts is offensive. By using “I” statements, we show that we are speaking responsibly about something we should be an authority about – ourselves! (See below)

•Reflective Listening or “Mirroring”

Reflective listening consists of slowing the conversation down, while assuring your focus is on being a good listener and not your defense! After a sentence or two, you, the Listener, repeat back, in your own words, what you think your partner is saying. You then ask if you heard them accurately and completely. You keep trying this until your partner says, “Yes, I feel understood.” Then you switch, and you say a few sentences to your partner, and they repeat what they heard back to you.

Exercises using the Awareness Wheel

1. Get to know yourself. Journal regularly about your experiences using the Awareness Wheel. Learn the difference between FACTS (what you have seen or heard); THOUGHTS (interpretations/ stories I tell myself about the Facts)); EMOTIONS (body-feelings – Happy Sad Mad Afraid); WANTS (goals or intentions – what you think will fix the problem) and the ACTION taken. Keep in simple.

2. Do your Actions reflect your Wants? Reviewing one of your written Awareness Wheels, notice if your ACTIONS matched what you said you wanted. If not, what got in the way of you acting in a way that may have gotten you what you wanted? Hint: Other beliefs or wants? Write a few ideas of other possible ways you could have handled it (for the future).

3. Practice expressing your Awareness Wheel, through writing first, to another person. Remember to use responsible “I” statements. Ask yourself: *** “How can I say this in a way that the OTHER person is most likely to hear me?”***

Possible sentence structures:

“When _(Facts)_ I thought _(Thought/Belief)_, and I felt (Emotion) . What I’d like is (Request/Want). What do you think?” (invites sharing)

Example : “When you didn’t come home at 6pm (Fact), I thought you were possibly hurt or at least disrespectful of our plans (Thoughts/Beliefs), and I felt scared and then mad (Feelings). What I’d like is to trust that you will stick to our agreements so I don’t worry so much (Request/Wants). What do you think?

Or:

“I feel _(Emotion) when you _(Facts)_ because _(Thought/Belief) _, and I want _(Request/Want)_. Does that make sense?”

Example: “I feel scared (Emotion) when you yell at me (Fact) because it seems aggressive to me, and I’m not sure what will happen next (Thoughts/Beliefs). I want you to lower your voice please (Want/Request). Does that make sense?”

 

Practice, Practice, Practice!… Now you can say anything!

 

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