Perfectionism versus Doing Your Best

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PerfectionismOvercome Perfectionism

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Perfectionism is often seen as a positive trait that increases your chances of success, but it can lead to self-defeating thoughts or behaviors that make it harder to achieve goals. It may also cause stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. People who strive for perfection out of feelings of inadequacy or failure may find it helpful to speak with a therapist; this can often help people manage excessive self-criticism.

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?

Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection. It is typically viewed as a positive trait rather than a flaw. People may use the term “healthy perfectionism” to describe or justify perfectionistic behavior. 

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth. 

Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, distinguishes between perfectionism and healthy behavior. She says, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth.” She explains that perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame.

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A PERFECTIONIST

Most people engage in perfectionism from time to time or in certain areas of life. People who are nearly full-time perfectionists may feel the need to achieve perfection constantly. They might also:

  • Not be able to perform a task unless they know they can do it perfectly.
  • View the end product as the most important part of any undertaking. As a result, they may focus less on the process of learning or completing a task to the best of their ability. 
  • Not see a task as finished until the result is perfect according to their standards. 
  • Procrastinate. People with perfectionism may not want to begin a task until they know they can do it perfectly.
  • Take an excessive amount of time to complete a task that does not typically take others long to complete. 

EXAMPLES OF PERFECTIONISTIC BEHAVIOR

Most people want to achieve success, but working hard to reach your goals does not always indicate perfectionistic behavior. People who are perfectionists typically believe that nothing they do is worthwhile unless it is perfect. Instead of being proud of their progress, learning, or hard work, they might constantly compare their work to the work of others or fixate on achieving flawless output.

Even when people with perfectionistic traits get their desired results, they may still be unsatisfied. They may feel that if they truly were perfect, they would not have had to work so hard to achieve their goals.

Some examples of perfectionism include:

  • Spending 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.
  • Believing that missing two points on a test is a sign of failure.
  • Difficulty being happy for others who are successful.
  • Holding oneself to the standards of others’ accomplishments or comparing oneself unfavorably and unrealistically to others.
  • Skipping class or avoiding a chore because it is pointless to make an effort unless perfection can be achieved.
  • Focusing on the end product rather than the process of learning.
  • Avoiding playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of being shown up as less than perfect.

TYPES OF PERFECTIONISM

A few distinct types of perfectionism are thought to exist. While these types share similar behaviors, their motives and outcomes often differ.

Personal standards perfectionism: Someone who practices this type of perfectionism may adhere to a set of standards that motivate them. Others might still consider these standards to be high, but they are motivating to the person who sets them. This type of perfectionism is thought to be healthy, as it does not lead to excessive stress or burnout. People with personal standards perfectionism may be less likely to use harmful habits to cope with stress brought on by perfectionism. A person only has this type of perfectionism if their goals make them feel energized and not overwhelmed or paralyzed. 

Self-critical perfectionism: This type of perfectionist is more prone to becoming intimidated by the goals they set for themselves rather than feeling motivated. They may more often feel hopeless or that their goals will never become reality. Research suggests that self-critical perfectionism is more likely to lead to negative emotions, such as distress, avoidance, anxiety, and self-condemnation. 

Socially prescribed perfectionism: Outlined in a 2014 York University study, this type of perfectionism describes the demand for excellence often placed on people with jobs that require extreme precision, such as lawyers, medical professionals, and architects. Individuals in these professions experienced more hopeless thoughts, stress, and a higher risk for self-harm and suicide. 

Socially prescribed perfectionism also applies to people who are held to high cultural or societal standards and who strive to meet these unrealistic goals. For example, students may be held to high academic standards by their parents. Teens and adults who feel pressure to obtain the type of body purported to be “ideal” by society may develop traits of socially prescribed perfectionism as a result.

DOMAINS OF PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism can impact many areas of a person’s life, and these areas are often referred to as domains. Sometimes, perfectionism affects only one domain, while other times, it impacts multiple domains. Below are some areas of life perfectionism can affect. 

  • In the workplace or at school: People who are perfectionists in school or at work may take longer than others to complete a task. They may also avoid starting a task they do not feel confident in. This is often due to a desire to complete the task perfectly.
  • Intimate relationships or friendships: Perfectionism can cause people to place their unrealistic standards on their loved ones, bringing extra stress and pressure into the relationship. 
  • Physical activity: Sports and athletics often encourage or exacerbate perfectionism. In individual sports, such as gymnastics or track, perfectionism may be especially prevalent, since the athlete is often competing against oneself.
  • Environment or surroundings: This may include the need for one’s house or yard to be immaculate at all times. It can cause an individual to spend large amounts of time and energy keeping their immediate surroundings tidy or in line with their aesthetic standards.
  • Hygiene and health: Ironically, this type of perfectionism may cause health issues. For instance, someone may stop brushing their teeth because they failed to do so once. This type of perfectionism may also lead to eating disorders like orthorexia nervosa, in which individuals feel compelled to stick to a rigidly healthy diet.
  • How one speaks or writes: When a person is perfectionistic about how they speak or write, the quality of their speech or writing may decrease. It may cause them to speak very little or to avoid writing for fear of making a mistake.
  • Physical appearance: This type of perfectionism can cause someone to worry excessively about their personal grooming or style. They may take hours choosing what to wear or how to style their hair. Perfectionism surrounding physical appearance can also lead to eating disorders or exercise addiction.

WHAT CAUSES PERFECTIONISM?

Many factors can contribute to whether perfectionism develops. A few include:

  • Frequent fear of disapproval from others or feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
  • Mental health issues like anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). While a correlation between OCD and perfectionism has been found to exist, not all people with perfectionism have OCD, and not all people with OCD are perfectionists.
  • Having a parent who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval when their children’s efforts do not result in perfection. Some parents may encourage their child to succeed in every area or push perfection on them to an extent that can be considered abusive.
  • An insecure early attachment. People who had a troubled attachment with parents when they were young may experience difficulty self-soothing as adults. They may have trouble accepting a good outcome as good if it’s not perfect.

People with a history of high achievement sometimes feel overwhelming pressure to live up to their previous achievements. This often leads them to engage in perfectionistic behavior. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies.

If you feel you may have traits of perfectionism that cause you daily distress, know that perfectionistic behavior and habits can be changed. It is possible to learn healthier attitudes about your goals and standards with the help of a trusted, compassionate therapist.

References:

  1. Flett, G. L., Heisel, M. J., & Hewitt, P. L. (2014). The destructiveness of perfectionism revisited: Implications for the assessment of suicide risk and the prevention of suicide. Review of General Psychology, 18(3), 156-172. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000011
  2. Hasse, A. M., Prapavessis, H., & Owens, R. G. (2013, June 24). Domain-specificity in perfectionism: Variations across domains of life. Personality and Individual Differences, 55(2013), 711-715. Retrieved from http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.719.5924&rep=rep1&type=pdf 
  3. Rettner, R. (2010, July 11). The dark side of perfectionism revealed. Retrieved from http://www.livescience.com/6724-dark-side-perfectionism-revealed.html
  4. Scutti, S. (2014, September 26). Perfectionists, especially doctors, architects, and lawyers, are at higher risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.medicaldaily.com/perfectionists-especially-doctors-architects-and-lawyers-are-higher-risk-suicide-305256
  5. Szymanski, J. (2011, October 3). Perfectionism: Healthy or hurtful? Retrieved from http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/10/is_perfectionism_helping_or_hu.html

Last Update: 11-05-2019

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5 Steps to Overcome Procrastination

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Worth Reading – from off the Web! – Tiny Buddha, by Sandra Wozniak https://tinybuddha.com/author/sandra-woznicki/

“You have criticized yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

I dreamt of starting my own business for years. Ten years, exactly.

While there are a few reasons it took so long to take the plunge, procrastination is at the top of the list.

It’s hard work to change careers, uncomfortable to leave a steady paycheck, and nerve-wracking to think of failure.

Even after spending months and years learning, studying, and getting certified, when it was no longer a matter of having the skills, the uncertainty of success was enough for me to keep kicking the can down the road to start marketing myself.

I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of not being perfect. I was afraid that people would think I was a joke. And I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be capable of all the work it entailed.

So I dragged my feet and kept passing my work off to “Future Me.”

I did this for everything, though.

“Tomorrow Sandy” can do the dishes. She’ll take care of scheduling that doctor’s appointment. Oh, and sign her up for that tough conversation I need to have with my mom too.

At one point I recognized that I often procrastinated because I needed everything to be perfect.

  • I wouldn’t work on a craft project or cook a new recipe unless I knew it would come out flawless.
  • Or I would keep tweaking projects at work up to the last second and beyond, at the sacrifice of getting more work done.
  • Or I would agonize over every text and email I sent, often opting not to send any message unless I knew exactly what to say.

But, as you can see, I’ve come a long way from that version of me.

I’ve since started my own business (and I’m loving it!), and I’ve pulled my best tools together on paper for how to stop procrastinating—even though I actually procrastinated on writing this post (ironic, I know!).

Today, I didn’t let my fear of “good enough” hold me back from sharing actual, helpful advice and mindset shifts to get moving and stop staying stuck.

Because when we’re stuck, we start telling ourselves stories. So that’s where we’ll start, with this story we tell ourselves about why we procrastinate.

What We Think Procrastination Is

We have this misconception that procrastination is laziness.

But procrastination is an active process. You choose to do something else instead of the task that you know you should be doing.

In contrast, laziness is not caring. It’s apathy, inactivity, and an unwillingness to act. It’s an “I could, I just don’t wanna” kind of attitude.

But when you’re procrastinating, you feel even more stressed because you do care about getting the task done. You’re just avoiding stress and having difficulty with motivation.

Because that is why we procrastinate.

What Procrastination Really Is and Why We Do It

Procrastination is a stress-avoidance technique. It is an active process to temporarily avoid discomfort.

We subconsciously are saying, “Present Me is not willing to experience this discomfort, so I will pass it on to Future Me.”

(We do this as though we’re asking a stranger to do the work for us. Researchers have seen on fMRI that when we think about our future selves, it lights up the same part of the brain as when we think about strangers.)

The really cool news is that by working toward overcoming your procrastination habit, you’re building your overall resilience to distress.

That is how I define resilience: a willingness to experience discomfort.

Examples of Procrastination

Procrastination is tricky. Sometimes it’s obvious that we’re doing it. Sometimes we don’t quite realize it (like when I had to water the plants right then and there instead of writing this blog post).

So here are some examples:

  • Scrolling through Instagram instead of getting started on important tasks
  • Putting off work assignments until the last minute
  • Wanting to start a new positive habit (dieting, exercising, or saving money), but repeatedly delaying it while telling yourself that “I’ll start soon”
  • Wanting to start a business but wasting time in “research mode” instead of taking action
  • Doing an easy, less important task that “needs to be done” before getting started
  • Waiting until you’re “in the mood” to do the task

5 Steps to Stop Procrastinating

Now that we know what it is and why we do it, let’s look at how to stop.

1. Motivate yourself with kindness instead of criticism.

What really holds us back from moving forward is the language we use when talking to ourselves.

(Listen to your inner dialogue- it’s too revealing! I would never talk to another human being, dog, or plant, for that matter, the way I sometimes talk to myself!)

Thoughts like:

  • I don’t want to.
  • It will be hard.
  • I don’t know how to do it.
  • It might not come out as good as I want it to.
  • I’ll probably fail.
  • This will be so boring.

This is what we think that drives us to procrastinate. I mean, really, when you read those thoughts, they just feel so demotivating, right?

This negative self-talk has a good intent. It is trying to save us from discomfort.

Unfortunately, it’s achieving the opposite because it adds to the stress by making us feel bad.

If you speak to yourself with kindness, just as you would a friend, (or child) it will feel so much more motivating.

So think about what you would say to that friend. It might sound like:

  • I get it, it will be uncomfortable, but you’ll be done soon and then you can relax.
  • Once you get started, it will be easier.
  • You can do it!!
  • If it doesn’t come out perfect, at least you’ll have practiced more.
  • If you fail, you’ll have learned so much.

2. Create a pattern-interrupter.

That negative self-talk has simply become part of your procrastination habit.

Because that is what procrastination becomes—a habit—and habits are comprised of a cue, a routine, and a reward.

  • The cue is thinking about a task that needs to be done.
  • The routine is to speak that negative self-talk that leads to procrastination.
  • The reward is less stress. (Not no stress, because avoiding the task is still somewhat stressful because we know it eventually needs to be done.)

In order to break the habit and create a new one, you need to introduce a pattern-interrupter.

Mel Robbins has a great one she calls the 5 Second Rule. When you think “I should do this,” before the negative self-talk starts in, count backwards, “5-4-3-2-1-GO” and move.

I find this helpful when I’m having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

If I’m having trouble getting motivated to do something difficult like write a post about procrastination, my pattern-interrupter is “I can do hard things.” Not only am I interrupting the pattern, I’m motivating myself positively as well.

If I’m having trouble doing a boring and tedious task like my taxes, I use something like “I’m willing to be uncomfortable now so that Future Me can be at peace.”

3. Break down the task.

One of the big drivers of procrastination is feeling overwhelmed. “Overwhelm” happens when we’re looking at a project in full scope, either not knowing where to start or feeling like all the work involved will be too much.

If the next task at hand is too big, or if you don’t know where to start, your first task, really, is to either 1) make a list, or 2) figure out the smallest thing you can do first.

For example, I have social anxiety and going to the gym was overwhelming to me.

So I broke it down into:

  • I just need to put gym clothes in my car, that’s it.
  • I just need to drive to the gym. I can turn around if I want once I get there.
  • I just need to walk in the door. I can always leave.
  • I just need to get changed in the locker room I can do that.

Honestly, I never turned around and went home. Because once I’d taken the small, easy step, the next small easy step was doable.

Which leads me to the next step…

4. Just commit to five minutes.

Studies show that if we commit to five minutes only, 80 percent of us are likely to continue with the task.

Five minutes is nothing. You can do anything for five minutes.

There is an 80 percent chance you’ll continue working once you put in those five minutes, but even if you don’t, you’re still five minutes closer to your goal.

And, you’ve taken one more step to breaking the old habit of not starting. It’s a big win-win!

5. Reward yourself or make the task more enjoyable.

Another problem with looking at a big task in scope instead of the next five minutes is that the reward is too far away or not satisfying enough.

When you’re trying to lose weight, twenty pounds is weeks and months away.

Or, when you’re putting off your taxes, if you aren’t expecting a return then the reward is “not going to jail.”

So bringing in more rewards sooner will fast-track creating the new habit of getting started.

But also, making the task itself more pleasant will make it a less monotonous task.

  • To write this post, I put on my softest bathrobe and got a tub to create an Epsom-salt foot bath under my desk while I write.
  • I’ll be starting my taxes in the next few weeks, and I already plan to have a glass of wine and super fancy cheese and crackers while I sit down to do them.

What Would Open Up for You If You Stopped Procrastinating?

We spend so much more time avoiding the discomfort of a task than we do stepping into what it will be like once the task is complete.

If you were to stop procrastinating, what would open up in your life?

  • Would you start your business because you’re no longer afraid of experiencing any discomfort if you “fail”?
  • Would you simply enjoy life more if you weren’t in a perpetual state of stress because there is a list of things you’re putting off?
  • Would you finally lose weight or get in shape and feel good once you push through being able to get started?

The Bottom Line

Procrastination is an active process to temporarily avoid discomfort (it is not laziness!)

By overcoming your procrastination habit, you are building your emotional resilience.

Notice the negative, demotivating self-talk and motivate yourself with kindness over criticism.

Create a pattern interrupter before the negative self-talk starts weighing you down.

Commit to just five minutes and you’ll either keep going to do more, or you’ll at least be five minutes closer to done.

Reward yourself or make the task more enjoyable so there is less discomfort to avoid.

About Sandy Woznicki

Sandy is a former anxiety-riddled, insomniac stress-aholic turned coach. She helps career-driven women and working moms master their stress and anxiety, to motivate themselves with kindness instead of criticism, to face life’s challenges with Graceful Resilience, and to start truly enjoying life without all that unnecessary worry. Her coaching and free resources like the Stress Detox Mini Course help women to take back control of their lives to live more fully and freely.

Edited for readability