Test: How Much Do You Admire Each Other?

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Fondness and Admiration: Assessment

From Dr. Gottman’s Relationship Blog

happyPeopleAccording to research, fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Getting through stressful times and managing conflict is much easier if you and your partner regularly show how highly you value each other!

The following questions have been designed by Dr. Gottman to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship.

On a sheet of paper, please answer T for true and F for false.

  1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner.T F
  2. When we are apart, I often think fondly about my partner. T F
  3. I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” T F
  4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F 
  5. My partner really respects me. T F 
  6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F
  7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F 
  8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F 
  9. My partner turns me on sexually. T F 
  10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F
  11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F
  12. I am really proud of my partner. T F 
  13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments.T F 
  14. I can easily tell you why I started dating my partner. T F 
  15. If I had it all over again, I would date the same person. T F 
  16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F 
  17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F 
  18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. T F 
  19. My partner generally likes my personality. T F
  20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F


Scoring: Give yourself one point for each true answer.

10 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have a high regard for each other, its common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing this exercise from time to time will help you reaffirm your positive feelings for each other.

Below 10: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. Don’t be discouraged by a low score! There are many couples for whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can strengthen your bond enormously!

If your fondness and admiration for each other are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are. Fondness and admiration are crucial to the long-term happiness of a relationship because they prevent contempt – a corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between partners –  from becoming an overwhelming presence in your lives. The better in-touch you are with your deep positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your partner when you have a difference of opinion.

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/11/fondness-and-admiration-assessment

Finding the Right Therapist for You

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Couples therapy

If you’ve decided you’re ready to go to therapy, the next step is finding a reputable therapist. If you have a referral from a friend, family member, or a trusted Doctor, start there. If not, you can check with your insurance carrier, or go on-line and research therapists yourself. Once you find a few names, give them a call or send an email. Some questions to keep in mind are:

  • Experience – The longer a therapist has been practicing, the more competent they are likely to be. Also ask what percentage of their clients are in your age group and have had similar issues. If the therapist is something other than a psychologist, ask what their bachelors degree was in. Social workers, for example, can apply to graduate school with any bachelor’s degree. If their first 4 years was NOT in psychology, then they’ve essentially only had 2 years training!

 

  • Basic therapy style – Believe it or not, this is important to clarify. Some therapists guide their clients from a  “Brief Solution Focused” model (behaviors), “Cognitive-Behavioral” (thinking patterns), “Psychodynamic” (childhood experiences), etc. This may be too much information, but you might ask how they would approach your particular issue. This gives you a “feel” for the person you might be spending time with.
  • Life Experience – Therapists are supposed to be objective, well-trained professionals, but let’s face it – they are still people. If you think someone will understand you better if they’ve been through a few things like you, go ahead and ask! In Salt Lake City, for instance, most people have strong views about church affiliation. It’s OK to want a counselor that understands you in that area. Also, if you are struggling with children or a divorce, it makes sense to want to work with someone who has “been there”.
  • Personality Fit – Once you’ve made an appointment, a good rule to keep in mind is this – do not waste your time if you do not click with the therapist. (One to three sessions should give you enough information on the “click” factor!) Feeling confident that he or she can help you is the most important aspect of successful therapy. If you are not comfortable with the therapist’s style, you need to find someone else.
  • Location – It may be important that your therapist isn’t more than ____ minutes drive from you. This may be close to home or close to where you work. (If location is not a big deal for you, you can use your commute time to listen to a podcast or relaxation music!)
  • Availability – What are the times that would be ideal for you? Some like going during a lunch hour, before kids are home from school, or on the way home from work.

REMEMBER –  Therapy is for you. You will be their employer. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or to talk about what you expect from therapy. We are people people – we can handle it!

Happy Hunting!