Why Knowing Yourself Helps All of Your Relationships

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identityMapOne goal common to many types of psychotherapy  is to learn about yourself… who you are – your inner self and your outer self  – at present and how you got there.

Yet knowing yourself may be one of the hardest tasks you’ll ever attempt.For many of us, a myriad of obstacles spring up when we attempt it.

If you tend to be intellectual or philosophical,  you might get mired in questions such as: “Who is the me/self that is assessing the me/self?”

If you tend to be emotional, you might get bogged down in less-than-positive emotions around the issue.

If you are more likely to be spiritual, questions such as “Why am I here” or “Why was I created” can sometimes stymie self-knowledge.

But knowing yourself is important to all your relationships, helping you fine tune your sense of humanness. One aspect of Self is how you “take in” the world – how you experience life. (Check out the MBTI personality test for more about this)

Parents and Kids

Effective parents, for example, know themselves. Self-awareness without self-centeredness, is an important ingredient in any relationship but essential to healthy parenting.

In order to deeply understand what your child needs, to really “get” where your child is coming from, and how he experiences the world around him, it’s essential that you know who you are: what makes you tick, what brings you down, what uplifts you, what turns you off.

When we know who we are, we are more open to seeing beyond the surface in others.
But in order to understand who we are, we have to take the time to do so. By learning more about who you are and how you feel about yourself, your child, and life in general, you’ll be able to interact more effectively—and lovingly—with your child. (The Parent-Child Dance: A Guide to Help You Understand and Shape Your Child’s Behavior)

Work 

You have to know what makes you tick in order to find satisfying work. You also need to have an appreciation of what makes others tick in order to create satisfying work relationships. This can be on the smaller scale, for example, you don’t need to know everything about that person in another department who you meet once a month, but knowing the person you are teaming with on a project can be vital.

The best time to pay attention and really listen to your coworkers is during get-togethers after work.You may see a sense of humor you’ve never noticed before, or learn about the personal pressures they are under. Carry your knowledge through to your work relationship so you can be supportive, as well as tap into their talents and interests.

Friendships and Personal Relationships

Sometimes we can be a little obsessed with having our own needs met. And sometimes we can push our own needs to the background, so much so that we forget who we are. Striking that balance requires paying attention and learning all the ways in which you cope, deflect, or deny.

Knowing yourself doesn’t mean that you cannot change yourself. You have to know yourself well enough to sense whether change will enrich your relationships, emotional well-being, and life in general.

Article Source

Why Knowing Yourself Helps All Your Relationships | Therapy Soup– 

 

5 Steps to Forgiveness In Any Relationship

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Unresolved conflict in any relationship does more than just hurt your feelings. We start becoming blocked in communication, building unconscious walls between us. The spontaneity is forsaken and time together eventually can become, well, dull. What you “let slide” just may do you in over time. Here are some steps that will keep the relationship safe from built up resentments or overly cautious communications.
Couple-Disagree

Step 1: Know What the Issue Is About

It’s common to have hurt feelings and be disappointed – but not know exactly what it’s all about. You must take the time to figure out what happened. Write the answers to the following questions to get clarity.

What happened?  What did you hear or see happen that led to the upset? These are the facts.

What does it mean to you?  Write about what the behavior means to you. This is where we interpret, draw conclusions, or tell ourselves a story about the other’s actions. This is your perception.

How does it make you feel?  When you think ______ do you feel angry? Hurt or sad? Are you afraid of losing something, or afraid of what the behavior might mean?

What would you like to change?  Try to get clear about what it is you want to be different. If its minor, you can formulate a request. If the situation is more serious (He burns dinner when he drinks too much, she spends too much money so bills can’t get paid), then you have to take more serious measures. For situations like this, I recommend therapy. Go with or without your partner, and you will learn how to take care of yourself until he or she has better self-control.

Step 2: Know How to Approach the Other – Explaining it from your perspective.

One way to be sure to make it worse is to tell the other how you feel as though it were FACT. Why? People become defensive when you assume to know what’s going on for them. And how can you? All you can know is your own perspective. The way you word it is more important then you probably think.  If someone who cares about you has hurt you, he or she probably doesn’t understand how you feel.

Try writing down your experience using “I” statements to practice how to say it in a clear, respectful manner.

Practice with the sentence-structures here:

“I felt  ____________ when you ______________________ because I think it means _____________ . I’d like it if you __(request)__.”

Or:

“When you ______________ I thought ___________ and felt __________.  I want you to ___________.”

 

Two-people-talking-1024x1024When you feel clear, you are ready to talk. You will probably feel some anxiety about talking, and it will be less so someday. But for now, accept that you will be somewhat anxious. Do it anyway!

Step 3: Know The Other’s Version of What Happened

It’s important to understand how the other person saw the situation. This also keeps the discussion on a more respectful level, with both of you discussing the problem rather than one person accusing and the other defending.

You may learn that s/he had a completely different take on the situation. When this happens, the solution can be that you have just learned more about the other, and s/he knows and understands more about you. The result is often an increased sense of closeness and compassion.

Step 4: Know You Have a Solution to the Problem

“Okay – So what are we going to do about this?”

If the issue isn’t resolved by understanding each other, then you need to emphasize what you’d like to see change. Remember that it is worth the time it takes, because it will prevent this from becoming a recurring problem. If someone is very hurt, or very defensive, it may take a few discussions to resolve this problem. If you can’t solve it together after a few tries, seek the help of a counselor. You are worth it.

Step 5:  Be Sure Your Forgiveness Is Real

Forgiveness does not mean the other’s behavior was okay. It means you understand because you recognize that all of us are fallible human beings. The good news is that you are willing to do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other.

This can be as simple as looking into each other’s eyes and saying “I forgive you.” What’s important is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over. You won’t be able to do that honestly if you haven’t done the previous steps.

When both of you take responsibility for fixing these misunderstandings and/or mistakes in the relationship, your trust in each other will grow, and where trust grows, so does love.