5 Steps to Forgiveness In Any Relationship

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Unresolved conflict in any relationship does more than just hurt your feelings. We start becoming blocked in communication, building unconscious walls between us. The spontaneity is forsaken and time together eventually can become, well, dull. What you “let slide” just may do you in over time. Here are some steps that will keep the relationship safe from built up resentments or overly cautious communications.
Couple-Disagree

Step 1: Know What the Issue Is About

It’s common to have hurt feelings and be disappointed – but not know exactly what it’s all about. You must take the time to figure out what happened. Write the answers to the following questions to get clarity.

What happened?  What did you hear or see happen that led to the upset? These are the facts.

What does it mean to you?  Write about what the behavior means to you. This is where we interpret, draw conclusions, or tell ourselves a story about the other’s actions. This is your perception.

How does it make you feel?  When you think ______ do you feel angry? Hurt or sad? Are you afraid of losing something, or afraid of what the behavior might mean?

What would you like to change?  Try to get clear about what it is you want to be different. If its minor, you can formulate a request. If the situation is more serious (He burns dinner when he drinks too much, she spends too much money so bills can’t get paid), then you have to take more serious measures. For situations like this, I recommend therapy. Go with or without your partner, and you will learn how to take care of yourself until he or she has better self-control.

Step 2: Know How to Approach the Other – Explaining it from your perspective.

One way to be sure to make it worse is to tell the other how you feel as though it were FACT. Why? People become defensive when you assume to know what’s going on for them. And how can you? All you can know is your own perspective. The way you word it is more important then you probably think.  If someone who cares about you has hurt you, he or she probably doesn’t understand how you feel.

Try writing down your experience using “I” statements to practice how to say it in a clear, respectful manner.

Practice with the sentence-structures here:

“I felt  ____________ when you ______________________ because I think it means _____________ . I’d like it if you __(request)__.”

Or:

“When you ______________ I thought ___________ and felt __________.  I want you to ___________.”

 

Two-people-talking-1024x1024When you feel clear, you are ready to talk. You will probably feel some anxiety about talking, and it will be less so someday. But for now, accept that you will be somewhat anxious. Do it anyway!

Step 3: Know The Other’s Version of What Happened

It’s important to understand how the other person saw the situation. This also keeps the discussion on a more respectful level, with both of you discussing the problem rather than one person accusing and the other defending.

You may learn that s/he had a completely different take on the situation. When this happens, the solution can be that you have just learned more about the other, and s/he knows and understands more about you. The result is often an increased sense of closeness and compassion.

Step 4: Know You Have a Solution to the Problem

“Okay – So what are we going to do about this?”

If the issue isn’t resolved by understanding each other, then you need to emphasize what you’d like to see change. Remember that it is worth the time it takes, because it will prevent this from becoming a recurring problem. If someone is very hurt, or very defensive, it may take a few discussions to resolve this problem. If you can’t solve it together after a few tries, seek the help of a counselor. You are worth it.

Step 5:  Be Sure Your Forgiveness Is Real

Forgiveness does not mean the other’s behavior was okay. It means you understand because you recognize that all of us are fallible human beings. The good news is that you are willing to do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other.

This can be as simple as looking into each other’s eyes and saying “I forgive you.” What’s important is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over. You won’t be able to do that honestly if you haven’t done the previous steps.

When both of you take responsibility for fixing these misunderstandings and/or mistakes in the relationship, your trust in each other will grow, and where trust grows, so does love.

Psychotherapy and Why it is Good for You

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Psychotherapy and Why it is Good for You

WORTH READING – Off the Web
OCTOBER 1, 2014 |

I am always surprised when I hear people speak about their mental health issues and they say they would rather see a psychiatrist and take the prescribed medication. They don’t see the point in “just talking”. They assume that psychotherapy or counselling is about someone telling what you do.

No.

No.

And, no.

I have always talked to these people (or, tried to) to try and explain psychotherapy – what it is, what it is not and why it should be explored as an option.

There is nothing wrong with taking psychiatric medication. It has been scientifically proven, however, that the best way to treat mental health issues or disorders like anxiety and depression is with a combination of medication and talk therapy.

In Malaysia, health insurance does not cover counselling or therapy sessions. Unless accessed at the often under-staffed psychiatric units in public hospitals, it can be expensive. Many people avoid psychotherapy for this reason. I can understand that. But, if someone prioritised their mental health, or saw enough value in investing in these sessions even twice a month, they can make allowances in their budgets for it. For example – anyone living in KL will know that a night out at your favourite club(s) or pub or restaurant can very quickly hit the RM200 mark. Just cutting back on two nights a month covers two sessions of therapy. Just reconsider some of the things you do in your life and make some minor and temporary changes. The results will be so worth all that time and effort!

Why does psychotherapy cost so much? Because the people who do this work are specially trained. Training itself is expensive. Many people have to get the training abroad as these courses are not always offered locally. Training takes time. And, effort. A lot of it. Plus, the training is continuous. So, what you are paying for is quality and trained care and services.

Coming back to the topic on hand, I stumbled upon this website that also espouses the value of psychotherapy. It provides 5 reasons for choosing psychotherapy. These are:

  1. You learn to work through your own problems.
  2. No one is taking a side, except to help you.
  3. Your secrets are safe.
  4. Long term value can’t be beat.
  5. Psychotherapy works!

Its pretty cool stuff. The site also has two videos by the American Psychological Association (APA) that very simply explains the value of psychotherapy. The videos may feature American statistics, but the reality in Malaysia is not too far away.  

So, the next time you visit your local GP for stress, ask for a referral letter for a clinical psychologist. On your next visit with your psychiatrist, ask for clinical psychologists or counsellors that she can recommend. Search online for private practices; call them and ask them their rates and charges. The charges differ based on experience and qualification.