Worth Reading: Off the web | Counseling TidBits

How to tell someone the truth? Start with The Work of Byron Katie.

Source: http://workwithgrace.com/2014/11/tell-truth-someone-start-inquiry/

Everyone is gathered on the phone. We can hear each other’s voices, but can’t see one another. We each see the room we’re in, or the car, the street, the coffee shop, the airport.

Here we are again, ready to look closely at troubling stories in our lives.

The class title? Relationship – Hell To Heaven.

And it sure does feel like hell sometimes.

This week, we were looking at the topic “Telling The Truth” and how that impacts or gets twisted up in relationships with others.

When do you not show what you’re really thinking? When do you withhold information? When do you speak up abruptly, or say no, or say “maybe” when you really mean “yes”?… Or vice versa? Say yes when you really mean “no”?

I used to feel like I had to hide PILES of stuff about myself: “Be nice, smile, be helpful, act polite, don’t get too high-maintenance or PIA (pain in the ass). Be appealing. Be attractive.”

Be OPEN!

(Note: if you scream “RELAX AND OPEN YOUR HEART!!!!” to someone who is afraid, do you think they’ll relax and open their heart? This includes screaming it to yourself.)

I used to notice from time to time I judged some other people as too nicey-nice, too fakey, untrustworthy, false, saccharin, superficial, gooey.

What’s more is, I ALSO noticed when someone was too sharp, edgy, mean, critical, negative, cold, bossy, pushy, constantly making contact and asking mega questions, or rude….it made me really nervous, or irritated.

Such strong beliefs about how people should behave, in order for me to be comfortable!

Even if you think its SOOOOOOO TRUE that someone should stop being so high-maintenance or suspiciously passive…

….Who would you be if you couldn’t lock in on that story? (Question # 4)

Without believing they need to stop being like that, or something’s “wrong” with it … I might rest so much more comfortably.

I might notice I’m worried about hurting their feelings… But I can still say “I love you deeply and I don’t want to do what you’re asking right now.”

I might say “I’ll cook and eat with you tomorrow evening, but today I’m not really into a sit-down meal.”

I wouldn’t have SHOULDS and SHOULDN’Ts hanging over the scene from past teachings – past ideas about what is wrong or right.

I might say “hey when you tease too much about my driving, I start to feel a little hurt because I’m worried you think I’m a bad driver. Is that actually true?”

I could check things out, I could say no with lots of love in my heart….

.…not because I should have love in my heart, but because I trust the presence of the answer “no” I’m feeling, and when that happens, I also feel love.

I can be with you even when you say (or look like) you’re disappointed about me saying “no”.

The Turn-Around

Turning the thoughts around about how I think people ought to be, I find I am the one who needs to relax and wait and pause before trying to create a big boundary with someone…..
….or, I am the one who could notice when someone asks or says something, all I need to do is respond. I don’t have to have a hissy fit because they are too fake-acting. Maybe they’re scared?

Every way of being is OK, I can be with others and their requests or contact or words or the way they act….without panicking and overriding my own values.

I can handle it all, I can delight in it all.

Who would you be if you lived the turnaround that everyone’s behavior is acceptable?

I’d be so much more excited about every interaction. I’d move towards or away, but there wouldn’t be such fury about any of my actions.

Everything more fluid.

It doesn’t mean I have to LOVE everyone’s behavior. But it wouldn’t be so dang important.

That’s relationship heaven.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,
Grace

editing and pictures by JaneW

The reality is that sometimes we get the technology blues.

I am the tech. person in our home, so I am in charge of monitoring all of the devices and making sure that everything is safe and appropriate. It’s a big job. I spend a lot of time learning the ropes of technology so I can be a media-savvy mom. As much as I’d like to bury my head in the sand sometimes, I know that is not the right or brave thing to do. I have to approach media issues with resolve – it is a huge part of parenting our kids in this generation.

It is one of the most impactful ways we can reclaim our homes.

So how can we be empowered as parents in the area of technology? Here are some ideas:

Put a filter on every single device.Did you know that most computers have a feature that allows someone to do “private browsing?” That means that their history will not show up, because it is “private.” Many call this the “porn browser.” The same feature is available on Safari on the iPhone. Many parents have no idea that their kids are viewing pornography because they are able to hide any traces of it through the hidden browsing option.

Here are some specific actions we take in our home to keep devices from being able to access inappropriate material, even if just by accident:

• Turn off your usual browser (Safari, Google, Firefox). Upload a secure browser, like Net Nanny or Covenant Eyes to all of your computers/tablets. These allow for safe browsing on the internet, while blocking inappropriate content. They do all of the filtering for you. Parents set the rating of what is allowed to come through on the internet. It also sends a full report of websites visited. Even if you don’t think anyone will view inappropriate material, it gives such peace of mind to know that no one will accidentally stumble upon pornography, or pop-ups that attempt to lure young people into places they shouldn’t go.

• Turn off “Add Apps” in the systems folder. This will require your children to get approval for the apps they want to download.

Stay on top of the current technological trends.An outstanding parent resource for media issues is called Common Sense Media.org. They cover a wide range of topics, and update parents on the latest and greatest.
Use the same technology as your kids, and know their passwords.If your kids Snapchat, you Snapchat. If they Instagram, you Instagram. Learn the language so you can talk to your kids about them, monitor what is happening, and know how they work. Get their passwords so you can get into their account if needed (hopefully you won’t need to).
Create “media free” zones.It is healthy for all of us to have a break from constant connection. Designate times of the day or places where no technology is allowed (make sure that the parents abide by this also). For us, one of those places is the dinner table. We also strongly discourage the use of technology when we are all together as a family or as extended family.
Put boundaries on usage.Kids do not need to have their devices with them at all times. In fact, it is important for them to learn how to set them down. Each family must decide for themselves what those boundaries will be, but don’t be afraid to make them. For example, we still have phones turned in at night (parents included). This is something that we feel strongly about for several reasons, the most important being a good night’s rest.
Spot check.One of our house rules is that parents can check the devices at any time. It’s important for us to keep tabs on what is happening in this virtual world with our kids and that is one way to know.
Educate your children on media literacy. This is simply teaching them about cyber bullying, sexting, subtweeting, and all of the other issues that can accompany exposure to media.
Love the people right in front of you. Make it a general rule that the people who are present in real life take priority over those who are not present.
Talk about important issues in person. If you’ve ever had an email that unintentionally created conflict with another person, you understand why. There are no facial expressions, vocal tones, or non-verbal communication indicators when you communicate via messaging. So much gets lost in translation, and on delicate issues, there is an even greater potential for damage.
Be Brave. I know that all of this can be hard. And kids push and push, wanting more and more freedom with technology. But believe it or not, children do better when there are limits. Research shows that kids benefit significantly with boundaries. Long term, it impacts them positively and keeps them out of trouble. When children and teens push back, remember this and have the courage to say “no.”