You Can Say Anything!

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Communication Skills using the Awareness Wheel

I remember reading somewhere that the average person has about 300 thoughts per minute, along with the corresponding emotions, expectations, and conclusions. I don’t know how they came up with 300, but lets assume it’s true – That’s a lot of stuff going on! If you want to be clear and congruent in your communications, its essential that you slow this process down. You have to learn how to check in with yourself.

One of the tools I use with my clients in therapy is (aptly called) The Awareness Wheel. Once mastered, it helps the user understand their experiences (awareness), and, if desired, communicate clearly to someone else.

Each experience can be broken down into the following five categories:

AwarenessWheelSensing or the Facts– what you have seen or heard. They are behavioral descriptions, as if seen from a video camera, without evaluation or ascribing meaning.

Thinking – what you tell yourself the facts mean. They are the interpretations, beliefs, conclusions, or stories you tell yourself about what is going on.

Feelings or Emotions – Keep it simple: Sad, mad, glad or afraid.

Wants or intentions – What you think will fix the problem.

Doing or Actions – What you actually do.

Becoming a better communicator

• Perception Check

“This is my guess, am I accurate? ” Sometimes it is a good idea to test, clarify and alter your interpretations by moving back and forth between the sensory data and your interpretations.

A common problem in relationships is the result of confusing FACTS with thoughts/interpretations about what is happening. Our interpretations generate emotions, and we can be caught up in our anger or hurt because our assumptions about what’s going on is different than our partners. The model helps you to clarify interpretations and emotions by going back to the original sensory data (what you saw or heard) and checking each other’s interpretations. You may or may not get to agreement on the sensory data or the interpretations, but it’s helpful to know what each of you is thinking and perceiving.

• Use Responsible “I” Statements

Speaking as though we know the “other’s” intentions, feelings, or thoughts is offensive. By using “I” statements, we show that we are speaking responsibly about something we should be an authority about – ourselves! (See below)

•Reflective Listening or “Mirroring”

Reflective listening consists of slowing the conversation down, while assuring your focus is on being a good listener and not your defense! After a sentence or two, you, the Listener, repeat back, in your own words, what you think your partner is saying. You then ask if you heard them accurately and completely. You keep trying this until your partner says, “Yes, I feel understood.” Then you switch, and you say a few sentences to your partner, and they repeat what they heard back to you.

Exercises using the Awareness Wheel

1. Get to know yourself. Journal regularly about your experiences using the Awareness Wheel. Learn the difference between FACTS (what you have seen or heard); THOUGHTS (interpretations/ stories I tell myself about the Facts)); EMOTIONS (body-feelings – Happy Sad Mad Afraid); WANTS (goals or intentions – what you think will fix the problem) and the ACTION taken. Keep in simple.

2. Do your Actions reflect your Wants? Reviewing one of your written Awareness Wheels, notice if your ACTIONS matched what you said you wanted. If not, what got in the way of you acting in a way that may have gotten you what you wanted? Hint: Other beliefs or wants? Write a few ideas of other possible ways you could have handled it (for the future).

3. Practice expressing your Awareness Wheel, through writing first, to another person. Remember to use responsible “I” statements. Ask yourself: *** “How can I say this in a way that the OTHER person is most likely to hear me?”***

Possible sentence structures:

“When _(Facts)_ I thought _(Thought/Belief)_, and I felt (Emotion) . What I’d like is (Request/Want). What do you think?” (invites sharing)

Example : “When you didn’t come home at 6pm (Fact), I thought you were possibly hurt or at least disrespectful of our plans (Thoughts/Beliefs), and I felt scared and then mad (Feelings). What I’d like is to trust that you will stick to our agreements so I don’t worry so much (Request/Wants). What do you think?

Or:

“I feel _(Emotion) when you _(Facts)_ because _(Thought/Belief) _, and I want _(Request/Want)_. Does that make sense?”

Example: “I feel scared (Emotion) when you yell at me (Fact) because it seems aggressive to me, and I’m not sure what will happen next (Thoughts/Beliefs). I want you to lower your voice please (Want/Request). Does that make sense?”

 

Practice, Practice, Practice!… Now you can say anything!

 

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What is Codependency?

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When I heard the term for the first time, I thought it was a good thing – like cooperation, co-ops, and interdependency. But in the field of psychology, it actually refers to a style of living that is not so good. According to Melody Beatty, who wrote “Codependent No More”:

“It’s a condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”

Codependents’ have low self worth and look for something outside themselves to make them feel “Okay”.  Some try to feel better through alcohol or drugs while others’ may become obsessed with other people’s problems.

Codependency develops at home. It’s a strategy for survival in an environment where someone else’s needs were seen as more important than yours. If a parent was mentally or physically ill, or someone was raging around and threatening your safety, or any other extreme personality, you might have learned  to always be focused on other’s needs, never even knowing your own needs.

I think codependency happens when a person believes their worth is about function and not about existence.

Let me explain.

We learn to care about ourselves and others’ based on two kinds of love, modeled for us through our caretakers. One – usually considered “masculine” – comes about from feedback that we do things well. The other – usually considered “feminine” – is created from knowing we are lovable because we exist.

In dysfunctional homes, our self worth cannot be confirmed.

Members of these families tend to believe the problems around them are their fault, thus becoming obsessed with trying to fix things that are, frankly, beyond their control.

You can also become codependent if your home environment doesn’t nourish your spirit. Parents that fail to compliment you, that are neglectful, or do not provide proper supervision to help you feel safe, can lead a young person to doubt their worth or ability to manage life.

They learn to seek “worthiness” through sources outside themselves.

Like drugs.

Like alcohol.

Like approval.

Like being perfect.

I became codependent with my family. I became codependent with alcohol. I had many traumatic events that you might understand, even forgive. But the bottom line is… I thought “I” wasn’t enough to manage these things. So I drank – a lot. I justified it because I had my “boundaries”: never before 6pm,  when I had my kids (I’d recently divorced), and never when I worked.

But my life, subtly, became controlled by my need for the substance. I’d always know how long I had to wait before I could imbibe; I’d calculate if I had “enough” for … whatever. I became convinced that everything good about me was because of who I became when I drank.

I was so, so, so very wrong.

Find a counselor if you doubt your worth, if you have a history of “bad” relationships, if you can’t sleep well because of worries outside your control.

“You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight. If you can’t get peaceful about a decision, let it go. It’s not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and your emotions are calm. Slow down. You don’t have to feel so frightened. You don’t have to feel so frantic. Keep things in perspective. Make life easier for you.” ~Melody Beatty

 

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