“How do you let go of attachments? Don’t even try. Effort creates attachment. Rather, attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.” ~ Eckhart Tolle.
1. The C- concept
When you recognize a quality in the other that was abandoned in yourself, it creates a longing – like a phantom limb. You become mesmerised. When you are attracted to a person, it’s often your “idea” of that person that creates the draw.
I call it you, but in truth, it is my own longing for my lost-self.
In order to survive our first relationships, we learn to dis-own parts of ourselves they found undesirable. We even forgot it was ever a part of our true nature.
My first clear experience of this was when I met a beautiful woman who was crazy-funny! ..”I wish I could be that free”… When I hung out with her I felt whole – My “C” became an “O”.
In retrospect, she represented an aspect of Self that I had learned to shut down — being spontaneous. I learned to reclaim the part of myself that could be spontaneous and fun, even if it drew attention to me!
Try this is if your attachment is about a quality in the other: Write about the quality you are attracted to. Ask yourself, is it true that I lack the same aspect?
2. Compassion Project (to FIX you)
When I resonate with you because I feel your pain, I experience a flooding of MDMA-like chemicals that expand my capacity for loving compassion (read more about Mirror neurons). In truth, I love the way I feel…. It feels like love..
Try this if your attachment is about Compassion –
Write everything you love about (the other). Write the advice you would give them, what you want for them.
Now, take your sentences and cross out the other’s name. Replace it with “I, me”.
For example, “I wish you could see how wonderful you are” becomes “I wish I could see how wonderful I am“.
“If only you could see how much I love you” becomes “If only I could see how much I deserve to love me“. (See Byron Katie’s The Work/”turnarounds“)
We often think we have to force ourselves to make a decision regarding attachments. But forcing ourselves to act in a way that isn’t in line with what we truly feel never works. We will be done when we get the message… then we are done.